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- New Format - New Format - New Format - December 1990 TTTTTTT H H EEEEEEE Vol 1 Issue 9 T H H E .-------------------> T HHHHHHH EEEEE <--------------------. : T H H E : : T H H EEEEEEE : : : : : : BBBBBB BBBBBB SSSSSS : : B B B B S : : BBBBBB BBBBBB SSSSS : : B B B B S : : BBBBBB BBBBBB SSSSSS : : : : : : H H U U M M OOOOO RRRRRR : : H H U U MM MM O O R R : : HHHHHHH U U M M M M O O RRRRRR : : H H U U M M M O O R R : : H H UUUUU M M OOOOO R R : : : : : : DDDDDD IIIIIII GGGGG EEEEEEE SSSSSS TTTTTTT : : D D I G E S T : ----- > D D I G GGG EEEEE SSSSS T <------ D D I G G E S T DDDDDD IIIIIII GGGGG EEEEEEE SSSSSS T .-----------> What you'll find Inside <-----------. : : : AT THE TOP! : : (What the BBS Humor Digest is all about) : : : : THE DIGEST NEWS : : (New happenings in and around the Digest) : : : : STANDARDS : : (Our categorization standards) : : : : SURVEY : : (Our Readers Survey for 1990) : : : : ! ! ! H U M O R ! ! ! : : (This months collection of Humor) : : : ------------------------------------------------- Humor Digest - December 90 At The Top -------------------------------------------------------------------------- The BBS Humor Digest December 1990 Complied, Edited, Revised, and Released by: Owen B. Morgan Jr & Richard H. Whitten Jr Have you ever heard or read a joke that just busted you up for 5 minutes and then wished you had written it down somewhere so that later you could tell it to your friends? Well, you don't have to worry about that any longer, because we used to have that same wish, and decided to do something about it. We've spent the past few months scouring the humor sections of BBS's near and far, and have compiled quite a large collection of humorous items. Each monthly issue will contain 45-90 printed pages of material chosen from story jokes, one-liners, limericks, poems, and other items. We've spent a great deal of time on this project so we're releasing this digest as 'LAUGH-WARE' which means: If you get a big kick out of the humor, and you would like to see our service continue, either: 1) Send us a donation (To help pay our phone bills!) 2) Upload your favorite humor to the National Humor Echo. 3) Send us your favorite humor (Address is given below) Send your humorous items to: Funny Men Productions P.O. Box 7694 Eugene, OR 97401 Please feel free to pass this digest around to your friends, and upload it to other boards. We do require however, that in order to distribute this file you keep this archive intact! Hey JOKESTERS: For those of you who FREQ or DOWNLOAD the Humor Digest directly from Pandora's Box, here is some important information: The Digest is available starting on the 25th day of the previous month! So; as an example, the October issue will NOT be available until September 25th! PLEASE!! stop wasting your money calling any earlier than that. Humor Digest - December 90 At The Top Where To Get Your Next Issue of "The BBS Humor Digest"! The BBS HUMOR DIGEST can always be found on Pandora's Box BBS. It is available to first time callers via the D)ownload option at the Main Menu. It is also available for File Request (FREQ) by Sysops and Points at 1:152/6 and 8:7702/8 The phone number is: (503) 343-4520 from 2:00 A.M. to Midnight (Pacific Time) Request or Download: JOKE?-90.ARC Request or Download: FILES.ZIP for a list of All Files Available Danny Scriven: Sysop/Pandora's Box COPYRIGHT NOTICE We lay no copyrights whatsoever upon the jokes contained within this digest. DISCLAIMER This digest does not necessarily represent the views and/or opinions of Richard Whitten and Owen Morgan. The material contained within this digest may be offensive to certain people, therefore we take NO responsibility for any emotional, psychological, marital, and/or any other problems incurred from reading this digest. If you feel you will be offended DON'T READ IT!!! NOTES: This Humor file is in ASCII and is preformatted for you. This Format assumes that you are using standard 8.5 x 11 inch paper and does leave room for what ever binding you plan on using. Humor Digest - December 90 Standards FAMILY ('G' rated Material) This category will contain material which we feel can be read by any family member. SOCIAL ('PG' & 'PG-13' rated Material) This category will contain material which has Ethnic (pertains to a certain group or race of people) overtones, has vulgar overtones, and certain phrases and/or words may not be suitable for younger family members. ADULT ('R' 'NC-17' & 'X' rated Material) This category will contain material which is primarily intended for an Adult audience. Some material may not appeal to all Adult Family Members. No material in this category is intended for a younger audience. * NOTES * - The POEMS & LIMERICKS sections are always considered to be of the ADULT categorization. - We do our best to put the humor into the apropriate area, and if we happen to slide over the line once in awhile, please forgive us! Humor Digest - December 90 Digest News All The News That's Fit To Print WHAT DO YOU THINK? Guess by now you've noticed that we've made a BIG change in the BBS Humor Digest, and we sure hope you like it! Of all the mail we've received the biggest change requested was to pack all off the smaller files into one large, newsletter type, file, and that is what we've done! As we've always wanted from the beginning: You tells us what you like or don't like about what we're doing, and we'll do our best to fix it! Please tell us how you like the 'NEW' Digest! THE PLEA We've had a few requests for Humorous Short Stories, and if any of you jokesters out there have any laying around, or have the talent please send them in so we can share them with others. CATEGORIZATION NEWS We've changed the names of the Categories, Changes are as follows: 'Clean' is now ... 'Family' 'Ethnic' is now ... 'Social' 'Sexual' is now ... Adult' The 'Gross' category has been merged into 'Social' The 'Other' category has been merged into 'Adult' We feel this more aptly fits the Humor. Hope you agree. THE BRAG Our printed mag, Jokes Plus sampler is within one (1) month of going to the printers. We are almost completed with the layout and design of the pages, and our cartoonists our working of the final inkings of the cartoons as we speak! Remember: For all of you who send in the Survey, we'll send you a copy of the Sampler when it comes off the press! Humor Digest - December 90 Survey BBS HUMOR DIGEST Opinion Survey -- December 1990 -- We're including this survey as a part of this months digest because we would like to get a little bit of information from our readers, and up until now we have had very limited contacts with our readers. With the information we gather from this Survey, we hope to make the Digest a better magazine, increase our readership, and hopefully get an idea on how many people are actually reading our magazine! As a bonus for paying $.25 for sending us back the survey, we are going to send you a copy of our 'Jokes Plus Sampler' which we are printing the beginning of Dec. Face it folks, you can't pass up a deal like this, what, helping us out AND getting a great magazine in process! INSTRUCTIONS ------------ Please answer only the questions you feel comfortable answering, we don't want you to feel pressured into this or any thing! ***** (Rick insert that subliminal thing here.) ***** 1. Are you a Sysop of a BBS? _________________________________________ 2. Are you a member of the FIDO network? _____________________________ 3. What is your Net #, and Node # ? __________________________________ 4. What is your estimated readership off of your board? ______________ 5. At what Baud do you receive the digest? ___________________________ 6. Is the digest too big, small, just right? _________________________ 7. Do you print out the Digest? ______________________________________ 8. Dotmatrix, laser, thermal, daisy wheel? ___________________________ 9. Do you ever make photo copies to give to your non-computer owning friends? __________________________________________________________ 10. Have you ever experienced trouble printing out the Digest, if so explain your problem? _____________________________________________ 11. How old are you? __________________________________________________ 12. Male/Female? ______________________________________________________ 13. Ethnic Origin? ____________________________________________________ 14. Where did you first hear about the Digest? ________________________ Humor Digest - December 90 Survey 15. Do you help spread the Digest? ____________________________________ 16. Would you be interested in helping us distribute 'Jokes Plus' our printed magazine when it becomes available? _______________________ 17. Do you like our methods of categorization? Why or Why not? _______ 18. Would you like to see something else in the Digest, any ideas for us? _______________________________________________________________ 19. What computer system are you using? _______________________________ 20. Would you like to see the digest become more like commercial magazines? IE editorials, letters of feedback, features, etc. ___ 21. Other Comments not covered above. _________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________ Your name: ____________________________________________________________ Address: ____________________________________________________________ City, State: ____________________________________________________________ Telephone #: ____________________________________________________________ Thank you very much for completing our survey, hope to be hearing again from you soon! Rick & Owen Please send your survey to: Funny Men Productions P.O. Box 7694 Eugene, OR. 97401 Humor Digest - December 90 Family Jokes -------------------------------------------------------------------------- The teary-eyed widow asked the attorney about her late husband's will. "I'm sorry," he said, "but he left all he had to the Contented Home for Poor Widows." "But what about me?" she asked. "You were all he had." -------------------------------------------------------------------------- A guy went to his psychiatrist complaining that he woke up screaming every night from alternating dreams: First he would dream he was a tepee, then he would dream he was a wigwam. "Doctor, what should I do?" "Well, first of all," the doctor replied, "relax. You're two tents." -------------------------------------------------------------------------- A farmer goes into the Father-Son lawyer firm with a complaint about his neighbor. "My neighbor the blacksmith keeps stealing my cow's milk. About 3 pm every day, when the cow is grazing near his shop, he milks the poor thing dry, so that we get nothing when she comes back to the farm. I want repayment for all the milk and butter that we've lost, as well as damages for the emotional trauma Bessie has endured from his hard-handed milking!" The elder lawyer replies, "Don't worry about the cow." Satisfied that his case is in good hands, the farmer leaves. Who should walk in minutes later but the blacksmith. "I have a problem," he says. "There is a certain farmer who hasn't paid me for several tools I made for him. And not only that, but he lets his cow go tramping all over my horse-pasture, eating all the grass that's supposed to be for my customer's horses. I have tried chasing the cow away, putting up barriers, etc, but to no avail. I have taken to at least getting some returns by milking the cow, but that farmer takes such poor care of it that the milk isn't very good. I would like to solve my problems by taking the cow in payment for the tools, penning it up myself to keep it out of the horse's pasture and taking proper care of it so that it will produce good milk. Can you help me?" "Don't worry about the cow," exclaimed the lawyer. Satisfied, the blacksmith left. The younger lawyer pondered the afternoon's events for a moment and then asked, "Dad, how can we take both sides of this issue? What will happen to that cow?" "Don't worry about the cow, son. In a few weeks, the cow will be ours!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------- A golfer shows up for his regular foursome except instead of his usual partner he brings a gorilla with him; the other two guys are shocked at first but then start ribbing him a bit. He scowls "Shut up and watch this!" He tees up the ball for the gorilla on the first hole, a par 5, 520 yd. hole. He hands the gorilla a driver and the gorilla hits the ball 519 yds. "Oh, man," groan the other two golfers, "this is going to be a long day." So the other 3 men play their balls down to the green, one of the guys on the opposing team says "The gorilla is lying in one, his score is going to be fantastic!" "Not really" says the gorilla's partner, "There's this one minor Humor Digest - December 90 Family Jokes problem." He hands the gorilla the putter and the gorilla drives the ball 519 yds. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- This man realizes he is slowly shrinking, so he decides to go to the doctor. He runs into the office and yells at the nurse that he has to see the doctor. The nurse looks at him and says, "Have a seat and be a little patient." -------------------------------------------------------------------------- This guy called John goes fishing off a pier. He finally catches a fish, and is about to put him in the cooler when he hears the fish cry out "Oh No! Please don't kill me. I'm the only talking fish in the world!" "Oh yeah?" says John "What's you name?" "I'm Rusty, the only talking salmon in the world! Please let me loose, I'm too young to die!" John thinks about it for a moment, thinks about all the years ahead that he has, so he lets Rusty go. 60 years later, John is 85 and goes fishing at the same place where he caught Rusty. Anyways, after a few days he catches this huge salmon about 5 feet long. "Rusty?" says John. "John is that you?" asks Rusty. "Yeah, hi Rusty!" replies John. "So, watcha been doing?" questions Rusty. "Well, I've been working, and just lately retired. What've you been doing, Rusty?" "Well John, I went swimming and found the Titanic, and it was so beautiful I wrote a book of poems about it." "Oh yeah? What's it called?" queries John. Rusty then says: "It's THE TITANIC VERSES, by SALMON RUSTY!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------- The owner locked up and walked out of his bar at closing time. Minutes later, he was at home and in bed sleeping peacefully... that is, untill 4 o'clock in the morning, when his phone rang. "What time does your saloon open?" asked a drunken voice on the other end of the line. "Eleven o'clock," snapped the bar keep as he slammed down the phone. A minute later the phone rang again, and the same voice asked, "What time did you say your saloon opened?" "Eleven o'clock, dammnit!" roared the proprieter, "and you can't get in a minute before." "Who wants to get in?" asked a very hurt voice, "I just want to get out..." -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Four women were talking to one another about their sons, whom all were men of the cloth. The first woman said, "I'm so proud of my son. He's a monsignor, and when he enters the room, everyone calls him 'His Holiness.'" The second woman said, "My son is a Cardinal, and everyone calls him 'His Excellence' when he enters a room." The third woman said, "My son is a bishop, and when he enters a room, they say, 'His Emminence has entered the room.'" The fourth woman said, "My son is only a preist, but he's 6' 7" tall Humor Digest - December 90 Family Jokes and 360 pounds and when he enters a room everyone says 'Oh my God!'" -------------------------------------------------------------------------- A man was taking a drive in the city with his friend, but every time his friend would come to red light, he would go right through it. The man says to his friend after the second time, "Why are you going through the red lights?" His friend says, "Don't worry, my brother drives like this." They come to the third he asks again, "What are you doing?" The friend says, "I told you, don't worry, my brother drives like this." Finally they come to a green light and his friend stops. Bewilderedly he asks, "Why have you stopped at the green light?" Says his friend, "Hey, my brother might be coming the other way!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------- While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "Are there any gators around here?" "Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!" "Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?" "We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said. "The sharks got 'em." -------------------------------------------------------------------------- A man finally went into the doctor because he had been having terrible headaches for most of his life, and nothing over the counter worked for him, so the doctor gave him some medicine and said take it for a week. He did and came back and told the doctor that it didn't work. The doctor gave him some different pills and told him to take them for two weeks and then come back. He did and said "They didn't work." So the doctor said, "The only other thing I can do for you is castrate you." Well, the man was in so much agony he agreed. After his surgery he decided to buy himself a new wardrobe to celebrate the return of headache free life. He went down to the local tailor and comenced to buy his new clothes. He looked at a shirt and the tailor said, "You take size 40." "How do you know that?" "I've been doing this for 30 years and I can just tell by looking." Well it fit just right. The same thing happened with his pants, the tailor was able to tell him the exact size perfectly. He then decided to buy himself a pair of shorts. The tailor said, "You need a size 36." "No, I've worn a size 32 all my life." "Man, if you've been wearing a size 32 you must get some AWFUL headaches! -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Humor Digest - December 90 Social Jokes -------------------------------------------------------------------------- The teacher is quizzing the class on American history by repeating famous quotes and asking who said it, when and where. The only hand that goes up for every question is that of a Japanese boy who answers correctly every time. After about five questions she concludes by berating the rest of the class for not knowing their own history. As she turns to the blackboard to write an assignment, someone yells out, "Fuck the Japs." She angrily turns back to the class and hollers, "Who said that?" A boy jumps up and shouts "FDR, to Congress, Dec 8, 1942" -------------------------------------------------------------------------- This Mexican family crosses over the border to the Land of Milk and Honey where the streets are paved with gold. But the husband can find no work. His family is hungry, so he takes a walk to a quiet place at the foot of a big hill, kneels at the base of a tree, and begins to pray; "Sweet Jesus, please show me a way to feed my family..." Eyes closed, the Mexican does not see the black man with a grocery sack coming over the top of the hill. When he opens his eyes, a large wheel of cheddar cheese rolls down the hill an lands at his feet! "Oh, thank you Jesus, thank you!" he cries. Upon returning home, he gives the cheese to his wife and instructs her to make Nachos. "But wouldn't you rather have cheese enchaladas and burittos and other things?" she inquires. "No," the husband says, "Jesus sent this to me with a message... 'NACHO CHEESE! NACHO CHEESE! NACHO CHEESE!' " -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Two men, ages 75 and 85, had been meeting each monday afternoon to play checkers in a local park for several months. The younger of the two had noticed that his older companion seemed to always be happy and full of energy on monday, and decided to find out how he did it. The next monday the younger man said, "Look here. I am 10 years younger than you, yet you are always coming to the game with plenty of energy and pep. How do you do it?" The older man replied, "Monday is my favorite day of the week. I get up about 8:30 am, have breakfast, and then go over to my lady-friends house where we make love three times. Then I eat lunch and come over to the park to play checkers with you." "Three times!" exclamed the younger man. "Why, I couldn't even consider it once! Tell me, what's your secret?" "Well," replied the older man, "It could be your diet... Do you eat rye bread?" "Well... no." replied the younger man. "Maybe you should try it" said the older man. "It's got lots of minerals and vitamins for that extra pep!" The younger man was considering this on his way home, and soon spotted a bakery. Thinking to himself, "What the heck!", he stopped in and asked the lady behind the counter for 4 loaves of rye bread. "Four loaves!" exclamed the woman. "Why, it'll get hard before you get finished with it!" "What is this?" exclamed the 75 year old man in disgust. "Does everybody know about this stuff but me?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Humor Digest - December 90 Social Jokes President Bush is at Camp David with his cabinet one winter morning when he opens his window for a breath of fresh air and sees this written in yellow on the snow bank "George Bush is an asshole." He really gets upset and calls the Secret Service, FBI and CIA. He tells them to find out what unpatroitc dirtball did this. Two days later the group reports back... First, the yellow writting material was urine, secondly, the urine was VP Quayle's and lastly the hand writting was Barbara's. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- One night he had some trouble with his patrol car and went back to the station to get it fixed. The repair was going to take several hours so the sergeant told Kelly to take off a couple hours early. When he got home his house was dark, so he tiptoed into the bedroom, stripped off his uniform, hung it up, and went over to the bed. Just as he was about to crawl into bed his wife said, "Honey I have a terrible migraine. Would you be a dear and go to the drugstore for some medicine? Oh, and don't turn on the light it will hurt my eyes." So Kelly felt his way back to the closet, fumbled for his uniform, and drove to the drugstore. When he got to the counter with some extra strength aspirin, the druggist asked, "Say, Officer Kelly want to let me know why you are dressed in a fireman's uniform?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------- There once was a farmer who had a cow named Daisy. He decided that it was time to increase the size of his herd, so he sought the services of a neighbor who rented a bull for stud work. After a discussion, a price was set. The farmer was overjoyed - finally his cow would be productive. The man with the bull, however, would not bring the bull to the farmer's farm, insisting that the cow be brought to his place. After an argument, the farmer agreed. The next morning, the farmer was confronted with a terrible problem: how would he get the cow to the bull? It was ten long miles from his farm to the bull, and Daisy was the most uncooperative bitch that had ever been, so he couldn't walk her there. He hadn't been able to afforded one of those new horseless carriages, and none of his neighbors had one either. After much thought, he asked a friend for help, and they loaded Daisy onto a cart and began pushing her to the stud farm. Up and down the dirt road they pushed, and finally, after 9 hours of back-creaking work, Daisy was in the corral with the bull, ready to be mated. The farmer asked, "How will I know if it works?" To which the man replied, "If it works, she'll be eating grass in the morning. If it don't, she won't." With that, the man let the bull loose. The bull ran at Daisy, mounted her, and began his work. The next morning, the farmer looked outside at Daisy. She wasn't eating grass. Really upset, the farmer ran outside, caled his neighbor, loaded her into the cart, pushed it down the ten mile long dirt road, and had her serviced once again. He awoke the next mmornin and asked his wife to look at Daisy, to see if she was eating grass. Much to his dismay, she wasn't. Furious, he again called for his helpful neighbor and they pushed the cow to the bull. This scene was repeated every day for a week. The farm work was getting behind, and the farmer was suffering from impotence due to the Humor Digest - December 90 Social Jokes exhaustion of pushing that damned cow to the bull. When he awoke on the morning of the eighth day, he asked his wife "Is she eating grass?" His wife said, "No." He said, "Well, is she just standing there?" And his wife said, "No." The farmer screamed,"Well what the heck is she doing then?" To which his wife replied, "She's sitting in your cart!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------- After a prayer meeting on a fine spring evening, a black preacher was walking home one of the sisters in his congregation. "You know, sister," he commented, "you're the third sister I've walked home that's pregnant." "Why, I'm not pregnant," she exclaimed. The preacher replied, "You ain't home yet, either!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------- A gambler was telling a friend about his first junket to Las Vegas and how hard it was to get any sleep. "I was awakened at one, two and four in the morning by a drunk chorus girl banging on the door and screaming," he recalled. "That's terrible," the friend said." How'd you ever get any sleep?" "At five o'clock I finally unlocked the door and let her out," the gambler laughed. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Two Polacks purchased a bird dog. They took the dog out to give it a try. After a long while one Polack said to the other, "Well, we'll throw him up in the air one more time. If he doesn't fly, we'll shoot the son of a bitch!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------- During a big fire downtown the firemen were having a bit of trouble. A woman was stuck on the fourth floor with her baby. The fire fighters instructed her to toss the child out the window, under which they had placed a net, but the mother refused. Things looked grim until a tall, well-built black man burst through the crowd and shouted to the woman. He said that he was a professional football player and that he could catch the baby safely. After a few minutes more of reassurances by the man, the mother finally let the child drop. The football player made a breathtaking catch, and everybody cheered. At that moment the man suddenly raised the child high in the air, spiked it on the ground and screamed, "Touchdown!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------- A man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist asked "Yes sir, may we help you?" "There's something wrong with my dick," he replied. The receptionist became aggravated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that." "Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you." he said. "We do not use language like that here," she said. "Please go outside and come back in and say that there's something wrong with your ear or whatever." The man walked out, waited several minutes and reentered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?" "There's something wrong with my ear," he stated. Humor Digest - December 90 Social Jokes The receptionist nodded approvingly. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?" "I can't piss out of it." the man replied. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- A guy walks into a bar and asks loudly, "Hey, anybody wanna hear some really good Pollack jokes?" The bartender says, "Listen, friend. I'm Polish, my bouncer is Polish, and more than half the people in this bar are Polish." "Okay," the man says. "I'll speak V-E-R-Y S-L-O-W-L-Y." -------------------------------------------------------------------------- A lady takes a sea voyage to get over her grief of her recently deceased husband. Every day as she walks the deck the captains parrot acosts her asking "How's your ass you old bag!" One night the ship struck a rock and sunk. After being in the water for 24 hours the lady comes upon one of the lifeboats. Crawling aboard she finds it empty except for the offending parrot. "How's your ass you old bag?" the parrot asks. "Oh, shut up!" she replies. "So's mine," replies the parrot, "must be the salt water." -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Humor Digest - December 90 Adult Jokes -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Did you hear about this department store Santa just got off break when this little boy sits upon his lap. So Santa said while touching the little boy's nose, "Do you want some candy for Christmas?" The little boy says, "No, it's bad for your teeth." So the Santa says while tapping on the little boys nose again, "Do you want some toys for Christmas?" The little boy responds again, "No, I just had my birthday yesterday and I don't need any." So the Santa sitting there all confused said, "Well little lad what do you want?" The little boy replied, "PUSSY, and don't tell me you can't get any, because I can smell it all over your fingers." -------------------------------------------------------------------------- One day during the Christmas season a mailman is on his usual delivery schedule. He stops by a house, rings the doorbell to deliver a package and is greeted by a beautiful woman in sexy clothing. She takes him into the house direct into the bedroom, onto the bed, and proceeds to make the mailman's wildest fantasies come true. He leaves happy and dazed. The next day, he gets all dressed up and goes back to the house. The woman opens the door, looking like a typical busy housewife with messy hair, no makeup, etc. She asks the mailman what he wants. "Aren't we going to do it again?" he asks. "Hell no!" she replies. When the mailman asks for an explanation, the woman says, "I was making up my list of Christmas presents, and when I got to the mailman, I asked my husband what to get him. And he told me 'Fuck the mailman!'" -------------------------------------------------------------------------- A couple was married for many years but the wife had never, ever given in to her husbands wish for a blow job. Finally one night she agreed. She was very fearful that her husband would not respect her anymore but he assured her that he would indeed still have great respect for her. As she was going down on him, the phone on the night stand rang. He picked it up and answered. He then handed the phone to his wife saying, "Hey, cocksucker. It's for you." -------------------------------------------------------------------------- After a wild freeway chase, the motorcycle cop waved the speeding sports car over to the curb. When he walked up to the drivers window, he was surprised to find a very attractive redhead behind the wheel. "Ma'am," he said," I'm afraid we're going to have to give you a breathalyzer test to see whether or not you've been drinking." The test was taken and as the officer eyed the results, he said, "Lady, you've had a couple of stiff ones." "That's amazing!" the girl cried. "You mean it shows that too!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------- The romantic couple drove the tiny sports car to a deserted wooded area. She got out, spread a blanket, and began to take off her clothes. "Honey," she cooed, "if you don't get out of that sports car, I'll be out of the mood." "Well," he answered, "if I don't get out of the mood, I won't be able Humor Digest - December 90 Adult Jokes to get out of this sports car." -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Oprah Winfry ran into George Burns one night. She said "If you don't mind me asking, I have heard you are quite a lover, let alone being as old as Moses. I was wondering if you'd like to come over to my place. I'm very curious about you're highly touted skills." George, being the horney old fart he is, readily agreed. They get there and proceed to go at it as if there was no tomorrow. After about 3 hours Oprah finally can take no more. She says "I'd like to do that again in 30 minutes if you feel like it. It was by far the best I ever had." George says "No problem, but you know with my age I'll have to take a nap for about an hour though. But you have to hold on to my dick while I'm asleep." Oprah willingly obliges and after the hour passes she wakes up George and they go at it again. When through she says "My God, that was even better than the first time. I just have to have it once more tonight. Are you able?" George replies "Sure, but I need a two hour nap this time and again you have to hold onto my dick while I'm asleep." Oprah agrees again and after the two hours she wakes George up and they do it once again. When finished, Oprah says "I don't believe it, that was even better than the first two times combined. I can't understand how you do it but was does my holding your dick while you're asleep have to do with it?" George replies, "Nothing at all but the last black bitch I fucked stole my wallet!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------- One morning a milk man called on one of his regular customer and was surprised to see a white bed sheet with a hole in the middle hanging up in her living room. The housewife explained that she'd had a party the night before. They had played a game called "Who's Who's" in which each of the men had put their dicks through the hole and the women tried to guess their identity. "Gee, that sounds like fun," said the milkman. "Sure wish I'd been there." "You should have been," said the housewife. "Your name came up three times!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------- A nun hailed a cab in San Fransico. After the nun stepped in and told the cabbie where to go, the cabbie said, "You know, I've always had this fantasy to make it with a nun." "Really," asked the nun, "Are you Catholic?" "Yes." "Well, pull over, jump on back here and I'll give you a blow job." The cabbie instantly got hard at that, screeched the cab to a halt, and jumped into the back with his pants practically off. The nun proceeded to give the cabbie the best head he'd ever had. Afterwards we jumped back up front and continued on. On the way, the cabbie said, "Sister, I have a confession to make. I'm really not a Catholic." "You're not? Well, I have a confession to make too. I'm not really a nun! My name is Percy and I'm on my way to a GAY costume party." -------------------------------------------------------------------------- The manager of a prosperous whorehouse in Warsaw one night found, to his dismay, that he was short of girls for the evening's entertainment. Humor Digest - December 90 Adult Jokes Thinking quickly, he dashed out and bought several inflatable 'dolls', figuring that, given his average clientele, no one would be able to tell the difference. Soon he ushered a customer into a room that housed one of the lovelies, assuring him he was in for an especially good time. When the customer came out of the room a little while later, the manager was waiting eagerly in the hallway. He winked at the fellow and asked, "Well? How'd you like her?" "I don't know what happened," said the customer, shaking his head. "I bit her on the tit, she farted, and flew out the window." -------------------------------------------------------------------------- The nervous young bride became irritated by her husband's lusty advances on their wedding night and reprimanded him severely. "I demand proper manners in bed," she declared, "just as I do at the dinner table." Amused by his wife's formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled hair and climbed quietly between the sheets. "Is that better?" he asked, with a hint of a smile." "Yes," replied the girl, "much better." "Very good, darling," the husband whispered. "Now would you be so kind as to please pass the pussy." -------------------------------------------------------------------------- This fellow was screwing his best friend's wife when he suddenly stopped and sat on the edge of the bed, holding his head in his hands. "What the hell has happened to you?" the lady asked. "I feel like a regular son of a bitch, getting my best friends pussy," the man moaned. The lady reached over and patted him on the back. "Well, if that's all it is, you can stop worrying," she said. "You're not getting his pussy. His pussy is five to six inches deeper." -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Late one night a woman was on the way home when a scruffy man accosted her. He dropped his jeans and told her to do the same, when she screamed at the top of her lungs, "Help! Help! I'm being robbed! The man, in amazement, informs the lady that she was being raped, not robbed. She blunted the man by replying, "If you are gonna fuck me with that, I'm being robbed!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Humor Digest - December 90 Family Question & Answer Jokes -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: "Do you think these jeans make me look fat?" A: "No, I think it's your butt that makes you look fat!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Did you hear about the Texas cowboy? A: He bought a Dachshund because someone told him to get a long little doggy. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Did you hear about the poverty-stricken snake? A: He didn't have a pit to hiss in. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why does California have so many lawyers and New Jersey have so many toxic waste dumps? A: New Jersey had first choice. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Humor Digest - December 90 Social Question & Answer Jokes -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What do the female reindeer do when their husbands are busy pulling Santa's sleigh on Christmas? A: They go into town and BLOW a few bucks! -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why doesn't Santa Claus have any children? A: Because he only comes once a year, and he shoots up the chimney! -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Do you know what MARINE stands for? A: Muscles Are Required Intelligence Not Expected -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's yellow and sleeps alone? A: Yoko Ono. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How many animals can you fit into a condom? A: A cock and a few hares! -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What did the lawyer say when he stepped into a pile of cow shit? A: "Oh my God, I'm melting!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What`s two and a half inches long, has 256 balls and screws ducks? A: A shotgun cartridge. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's the difference between a Eunuch and an Eskimo? A: A eunuch is a massive vassal with a passive tassel, while an Eskimo is a rigid midget with a frigid digit. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What did the Japanese girl say after she slid down the banister? A: Holy Smokie! -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What is the definition of a Libyan diplomat? A: A terrorist that ran out of ammunition! -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What do Yoko Ono and an Ethiopian have in common? A: They both live off of dead beetles! -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why do Jewish girls think prostitution is such good business? A: "Ya got it, ya sell it, ya still got it!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? A: Beer nuts cost $ 1.50, deer nuts are under a buck. Humor Digest - December 90 Social Question & Answer Jokes -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Did you hear the song about the hemophiliac Biker? A: It's called "The Bleeder of the Pack." -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Humor Digest - December 90 Adult Question & Answer Jokes -------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Canonical List Of Sorority Girl Jokes by Mike Tierney Q: What's a sorority girl put behind her ears to make her more attractive? A: Her ankles. Q: What is the difference between a sorority girl and a bowling ball? A1: You can only put three fingers in a bowling ball. A2: You could eat a bowling ball if you had to. A3: You can't fit a sorority girl inside a bowling ball. Q: How are a sorority girl and a bowling ball alike? A: You can pick them up, stick your fingers in them, and throw them in the gutter and they always come back for more. Q: What is the difference between sorority girls and hookers? A: Sorority girls cost less per score. Q: What is the difference between a sorority girl and an elephant? A: About 40 lbs. Q: How do you equalize the two? A: Feed the elephant. Q: What's the first thing a sorority girl does in the morning? A1: Introduce herself. A2: Walks home. Q: What's the difference between a sorority girl and the Titanic? A: Only 1500 went down on the Titanic. Q: How can you tell if a sorority girl has achieved orgasm? A: She drops her nail file. Q: What's a sorority girl's favorite wine? A: "Daaadddy, I want to go to mi-ammmmi." Q: What do you get when you cross a sorority girl with an ape? A: Don't know. There is only so much an ape can be forced to do... Q: Why is a sorority girl like a door knob? A: 'Cause everyone gets a turn. Q: How do you get a sorority girl in your bed? A: Grease her hips so she'll fit through the door and throw a twinkie on the mattress. Q: Did you hear about the new sorority girl doll? A: You put a ring on her finger and her hips expand. Q: What's the difference between sorority girls and garbage? A: Garbage gets taken out once a week. Humor Digest - December 90 Adult Question & Answer Jokes Q: What do you call 100 sorority girls sun-bathing on a beach in Cuba? A: Bay of Pigs. Q: What do you call a sorority girl hang-glider festival? A: Multiple total eclipses. Q: What is a sorority girl's mating call... A: "I'm soooo drunk, I'm sooooo drunk!" Q: What is the difference between a sorority girl and a toilet? A: After you use a toilet it doesn't follow you around for three days. Q: What do you get when cross a lawyer with a sorority girl? A1: Nothing. There are some things a sorority girl won't do. A2: I don't know, but it sure enjoys screwing people. A3: I don't know, but when it sucks your cock, it does't stop until it gets blood. Tri Delts: I'm sure everyone else has. If your date won't, Tri Delts. Once you've tried everyone else, Tri Delts. __________ __________ \ / /\ \ / \ / / \ \ / \ / / \ \ / \ / / \ \ / \/ /________\ \/ Tri Delts: Two out of three go down. Q: What's the difference between a sorority girl and a dog? A: Drivers will swerve to miss the dog. Q: How many sorority girls does it take to change a light bulb? A1: Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call Daaaaddy. A2: Seven. One to change it and six to go out and buy Tab (or diet Coke). A3: Sixty-Five. One to do it and sixty-four to sing and clap. A4: One. She holds on to it and the world revolves around her. A5: Six. One to screw it in and five to make the T-shirts. A6: Ten. Nine to stand around scratching their heads, and one to get her boyfriend to do it. Q: Why is a sorority girl like railroad tracks? A: She's been laid all over the country. Q: What three words will a sorority girl never hear? A: "Attention K-mart shoppers" Q: Why does a sorority girl close her eyes during sex? Humor Digest - December 90 Adult Question & Answer Jokes A: So she can fantasize about shopping. Q: What is a sorority girl's favorite sexual position? A: Facing Bloomingdale's. Q: What's the difference between Jell-o and a sorority girl? A: Jell-o wiggles when you eat it. Q: What do you call a sorority girl's waterbed? A1: The Dead Sea. A2: Lake Michigan. A3: Lake Placid. Q: How can you tell if a sorority girl's a nymphomaniac? A: She'll make love the same day she has her hair done. Q: What's a sorority girl's idea of natural childbirth? A: No makeup. Q: What's the difference between a sorority girl and a barracuda? A: Nail polish. Q: How do you prevent a sorority girl from having sex? A: Marry her. Q: Whats the difference between a sorority girl and a broom closet? A: Only 2 men fit inside a broom closet at once Q: What's the difference between a telephone booth and a sorority girl? A1: You don't need a quarter for the sorority girl. A2: Only one person can use a telephone at once. Q: What's the difference between a sorority and a circus? A: A circus is a cunning array of stunts. Q: What's the difference between a sorority girl and garbage? A1: Garbage smells better. A2: A sorority girl attract more flies. Q: What's the difference between a sorority girl and a vacuum cleaner? A1: Nothing. They both suck. A2: You can buy a new vacuum when you get sick of it. A3: You can buy a new vacuum when it no longer sucks. A4: When a vacuum cleaner is full of shit, its easy to dump the old bag. A5: A vacuum cleaner can't suck a golf ball through a garden hose. Q: How do you get four sorority girls on one chair? A1: Tell them there's a rich guy sitting on it. A2: Turn the chair upside down and put one sorority girl on each leg. Q: What's the difference between a tribe of sly pygmies and a sorority girl track team? A: The tribe of sly pygmies is a bunch of cunning runts. Humor Digest - December 90 Adult Question & Answer Jokes Q: What is the difference between a sorority girl and a rooster? A: In the morning a rooster says "cock-a-doodle-doo", while a sorority girl says "any-cock'll-do" Q: Why does a sorority girl wear underwear? A: To keep her ankles warm. Q: What's the difference between a sorority girl and a Rolls Royce? A: Not everybody has been in a Rolls Royce. Q: What does the Bermuda Triangle and Sorority girls have in common? A: They both swallow semen. Q: What do you call 24 sorority girls walking down the street? A: A case of Schlitz. Q: What's the difference between a sorority girl and parsley? A: You don't eat parsley. Q: Why are a sorority girl and a tampon similar? A: They are both stuck up cunts. Q: What do you say to a sorority girl that won't give in? A: "Have another beer." Q: What does a sorority girl make for dinner? A: Reservations. Q: Why does a sorority girl wear a gold diaphragm? A: So her boyfriend will think he is coming into money. Q: What is foreplay for a sorority girl? A: Thirty minutes of begging. Q: What did the sorority girl say when she knocked over a priceless Ming vase? A: Oh, Daaaaddy, it's ok, I'm not hurt. Q: What's the difference between a prostitute, a nymphomaniac, and a sorority girl? A: A prostitute says "Are you done yet?", a nymphomaniac says "You're done already?", and a sorority girl says "Beige... I think I'll paint the ceiling beige." -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Humor Digest - December 90 UnCategorized Family Jokes -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Santa really has it made. He gets the credit and we get the bills. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- My kid doesn't believe in anything anymore. At Christmas time I call him the rebel without a Claus. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Every Christmas I get sweaters that are supposed to fit me to a "T". Trouble is, I'm an "O". -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Arrange the following into recognizable English to find out these familiar Christmas songs and sayings: 1) Move hitherward the entire assembly of those who are loyal in their belief. 2) Listen, the celestial messengers produce harmonious sounds. 3) Nocturnal timespan of unbroken quietness. 4) An emotion excited by the acquisition or expectation of good given to the terrestrial sphere. 5) Embellish the interior passageways. 6) Twelve o'clock on a clement evening witnessed its arrival. 7) Exalted heavenly beings to whom harkened. 8) The Christmas preceding all others. 9) Small principality in Judas southeast of Jerusalem. 10) Diminutive masculine master of skin-covered percussionistic cylinders. 11) Omnipotent supreme being who elicites respite to ecstatic distinguished males. 12) Tranquility on the terrestrial sphere. 13) Obese personification fabricated of compressed mounds of minute crystals. 14) Expectation of arrival to populated area by mythical, masculine perennial gift giver. 15) Natal celebration devoid of color. 16) In awe of the nocturnal time span characterized by religiosity. 17) Geographic state of fantasy during the season of mother nature's dormancy. 18) The first person nominative plural of a triumvirate of far eastern heads of state. 19) Tintinnabulation of vascillating pendulums in inverted, metallic, resonant cups. 20) In a distant location, the existence of a improvised unit of newborn children's slumber furniture. 21) Proceed forth declaring upon a specific geological alpine formation. 22) Jovial yuletide desired for the second person singular or plural by us. 23) An act of endearment enthrusted upon the traditional purveyor of yuletide gifts by the maternal parent as witnessed by the first person singular. 24) Exclusive of all other worldly goods, a yuletide gift of a pair of ivory incisors are desired by the first person singular. 25) A melodious sound of the yuletide season emitted by small woodland creatures indigenous to the rodent family. 26) A metal sphere surrounding a vibrating ball used to distinguish a popular dance identified by a granite-like substance. Humor Digest - December 90 UnCategorized Family Jokes 27) Exclusive of all other worldly goods, the first person singular desires the second person singular or plural in the yuletide season. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- You Can Tell It's Going To Be A Bad Day When... 1) You wake up - face down on the pavement. 2) You put your bra on backwards and it fits better. 3) You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold. 4) You see a "60 minutes" news team waiting for you in your office. 5) Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles. 6) Your son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind her own business. 7) You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party but there aren't any. 8) You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes out of the city. 9) Your twin sister forgets your birthday. 10) You wake up and discover your waterbed broke and then you realize you don't have a waterbed. 11) Your carhorn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of hells angels on the freeway. 12) Your wife wakes up feeling amourous and YOU have a headache. 13) Your boss tells you to not bother taking off you coat. 14) The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard. 15) You wake up and your braces are locked together. 16) You walk to work and find your dress is stuck in the back of your panty hose. 17) You call your answering service and they tell you it's none of your business. 18) Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife. 19) Your income tax check bounces. 20) You put both contact lenses in the same eye. 21) Your pet rock snaps at you. 22) Your wife says "Good morning Bill", and your name is George. 23) You are watching a LIVE drug bust on T.V. and realize that it's your house. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Construction project, Atomic Bomb I. INTRODUCTION Worldwide controversy has been generated recently from several court decisions in the United States which have restricted popular magazines from printing articles which describe how to make an atomic bomb. The reason usually given by the courts is that national security would be compromised if such information were generally available. But, since it is commonly known that all of the information is publicly available in most major metropolitan libraries, obviously the court's officially stated position is covering up a more important factor; namely, that such atomic devices would prove too difficult for the average citizen to construct. The United States courts cannot afford to insult the vast majorities by insinuating that they do not have the intelligence of a cabbage, and thus the "official" press releases claim national security as a blanket restriction. The rumors that have unfortunately occurred as a result of widespread Humor Digest - December 90 UnCategorized Family Jokes misinformation can (and must) be cleared up now, for the construction project this month is the construction of a thermonuclear device, which will hopefully clear up any misconceptions you might have about such a project. We will see how easy it is to make a device of your very own in ten easy steps, to have and hold as you see fit, without annoying interference from the government or the courts. The project will cost between $5,000 and $30,000 dollars, depending on how fancy you want the final product to be. Since last week's column, "Let's Make a Time Machine", was received so well in the new step-by-step format, this month's column will follow the same format. II. CONSTRUCTION METHOD 1) First, obtain about 50 pounds (110 kg) of weapons grade Plutonium at your local supplier (see NOTE 1). A nuclear power plant is not recommended, as large quantities of missing Plutonium tends to make plant engineers unhappy. We suggest that you contact your local terrorist organization, or perhaps the Junior Achievement in your neighborhood. 2) Please remember that Plutonium, especially pure, refined Plutonium, is somewhat dangerous. Wash your hands with soap and warm water after handling the material, and don't allow your children or pets to play in it or eat it. Any left over Plutonium dust is excellent as an insect repellant. You may wish to keep the substance in a lead box if you can find one in your local junk yard, but an old coffee can will do nicely. 3) Fashion together a metal enclosure to house the device. Most common varieties of sheet metal can be bent to disguise this enclosure as, for example, a briefcase, a lunch pail, or a Buick. Do not use tinfoil. 4) Arrange the Plutonium into two hemispheral shapes, separated by about 4 cm. Use rubber cement to hold the Plutonium dust together. 5) Now get about 100 pounds (220 kg) of trinitrotoluene (TNT). Gelignite is much better, but messier to work with. Your helpful hardware man will be happy to provide you with this item. 6) Pack the TNT around the hemisphere arrangement constructed in step 4. If you cannot find Gelignite, fell free to use TNT packed in with Playdo or any modeling clay. Colored clay is acceptable, but there is no need to get fancy at this point. 7) Enclose the structure from step 6 into the enclosure made in step 3. Use a strong glue such as "Crazy Glue" to bind the hemisphere arrangement against the enclosure to prevent accidental detonation which might result from vibration or mishandling. 8) To detonate the device, obtain a radio controlled (RC) servo mechanism, as found in RC model airplanes and cars. With a modicum of effort, a remote plunger can be made that will strike a detonator cap to effect a small explosion. These detonatior caps can be found in the electrical supply section of your local supermarket. We recommend the "Blast-O-Mactic" brand because they are no deposit-no return. Humor Digest - December 90 UnCategorized Family Jokes 9) Now hide the completed device from the neighbors and children. The garage is not recommended because of high humidity and the extreme range of temperatures experienced there. Nuclear devices have been known to spontaneously detonate in these unstable conditions. The hall closet or under the kitchen sink will be perfectly suitable. 10) Now you are the proud owner of a working thermonuclear device! It is a great ice-breaker at parties, and in a pinch, anc be used for national defense. III. THEORY OF OPERATION The device basically works when the detonated TNT compresses the Plutonium into a critical mass. The critical mass then produces a nuclear chain recation similar to the domino chain reaction (discussed in this column, "Dominos on the March", March, 1968). The chain reaction then promptly produces a big thermonuclear reaction. And there you have it, a 10 megaton explosion! IV. NEXT MONTH'S COLUMN In next month's column, we will learn how to clone your neighbor's wife in six easy steps. This project promises to be an exciting weekend full of fun and profit. Common kitchen utensils will be all you need. See you next month! V. NOTES a) Plutonium (PU), atomic number 94, is a radioactive metallic element formed by the decay of Neptunium and is similar in chemical structure to Uranium, Saturium, Jupiternium, and Marisum. VI. PREVIOUS MONTH'S COLUMNS 1) Let's Make Test Tube Babies! 2) Let's Make a Solar System! 3) Let's Make an Economic Recession! 4) Let's Make an Anti-Gravity Machine! 5) Let's Make Contact with an Alien Race! -------------------------------------------------------------------------- CHIP THRILLS: The Joke Of Silicon Valley by Judith Stone Don't be offended by St. $ilicon's high-tech religion... It's hackrilege, not sacrilege; he's just pulling your joystick! You could say that Jeffrey Armstrong has moved beyond wetware and software, beyond hardware to har-dee-har-hardware... And that's about all your could say, because once Armstrong gets rolling, there's no chance to do much else but make the sign of the monitor and shoult hallelujah... But hush... He's telling the congregation how it came to pass that he quit his marketing job at a California computer company to become a full-time Humor Digest - December 90 UnCategorized Family Jokes stand-up-saint... "One night, as I was home in Santa Cruz, working on my computer, lightning struck the satellite dish on the roof of my house... I was rendered unconscious, and when I awoke, the keyboard prayer was on the screen----'Our program who are in memory, HELLO be thy name' I was given the name Saint $ilicon, and the Giver of Data, G.O.D., instructed me to start the Church of Heuristic Information Processing, CHIP, the first user-friendly religion." That was in 1984... Since then, the cherub-faced, 40 year-old Armstrong, a.k.a. Saint $ilicon, the fourth-quarter prophet and strict fun-damentalist, has been ministering to "the data-distressed, the unwired masses, the D-based and D-filed,: mostly at corporate events like sales meetings, motivational seminars, and conventions of computer-store owners... One of his favorite gigos (garbage in, gospel out) was Apple's Christmas party... Usually Saint $ilicon preaches to the sort of people who actually understand those Wang commercials in which attractive young computer jocks howl with laughter over what the MIS guy does after they take a DEC workstation and, via a Wang PBX, get it talking to his own mainframe through a Wang VS... But tonight not one of his flock sports a nerdpack... There is a guy wearing a rather large, four-sided healing crystal in a deerskin shamanic pouch; Saint $ilicon icon is the guest speaker at the High Frontiers Monthly Forum, a new-age Chautauqua sponsored by the more-or-less quarterly magazine that's devoted to "the cutting edge of science, technology and/or psychoactivity." Among the men and women gathered in the meeting room of Shared Visions Bookstore in Berkeley, Califormia, are a stockbroker who's going back to school to become a therapist, a software designer who's going back to school to become a therapist, a therapist, a holistic video engineer, and a man whose card says REVERSING ENTROPY IS EVERYBODY'S BUSINSSS... The crowd is friendly, technohip, bright... Okay, a couple of people are having an animated discussion about the mystical acoustic properties of tarantula spider silk, but basically it's hearening to see the sixties rebooted, laid back but on-line... The lectern's been transformed into a red-velvet-draped pulpit for Saint $ilicon, who wears a white suit with a button on the lapel that says HAS YOUR DATA BEEN SAVED?... At his neck is a clear plastic brooch with flashing green, red, and yellow lights controlled by a voice-activated computer; it looks a bit like petri dish surrounded by tiny Christmas bulbs... Oh yeah, and a silicon chip is stuck to his forehead... ("The MIT group wear their chips on their shoulders," he tells the crowd.) In the compelling twang of a down-home Bible Belter, Saint $ilicon rocks into the Sermon on the Monitor... "Dearly C-loved, we are assembled here together because PCing is believing... We're here to console you; ASCII and ye shall receive... We say there is a life worth debugging... Data, data, everywhere, but not a thought to think, that's the problem... Friends, perhaps you know someone out there with a terminal illness, some poor hacker with bloodshot eyes in data distress who's been attacked by the evil one, Glitch, and his wicked helper, Missingstuffinfiles... Even if your data has been blown all to HAL, there's not a thing we can do to bring it back...But we can solace you in your Humor Digest - December 90 UnCategorized Family Jokes hour of need... "And that is why the Giver of Data has downloaded to me, from the heavenly host mainframe, the Keyboard Prayer for the data distressed... Now let us make the sign of the monitor [a square traced in the air, if you'd like to try it at home], bow our heads, and pray responsively." The crowd mumbles goodnaturedly: "... Forgive us our I/O errors as we forgive those whoose logic circuits are faulty... Lead us not into frustration and deliver us from power surges... For thine is the algorithm, the application and the solution, looping forever and ever... Return!" Saint $ilicon holds aloft a Binary Bible, which, he says, he translated from the ancient Geek, and reads from its first book, Sysgen I:i: "in the beginning, the Giver of Data generated silicon and carbon and the system was without architecture, and uninitialized, and randomness was upon the arrangement of the matrix...." Then come the announcements... For the "Cathode-lics" in the audience, CHIP is opening a new high school, Our Lady of Perpetual Upgrades ("We don't have nuns, we have nulls") and a new junior high school, PC Jr., the Immaculate Deception... Papal bull isn't the only kind of Saint $ili slings... He's an equal opportunity tease, offering to perform circuitcisions and bar-code mitzvahs; he quotes from the Ten Commands ("Thou shalt not pirate programs") and the Twenty-third PROM for the programmable read-only memory ("Yea, though I commute to the Valley each day, I fear no evil, for my Mazda is running... You prepare a desk for me in the office of my competitors... ") For Bootists, there's a mantra (Ohms EPROM RAM ROM); for the CMOSlems, readings from the glorious Core-RAM: and for aging hippies, Beep Here Now by RAMDOS... "Let us turn to hymn number 1101101," the saint cries, exhorting the faithful to make a joyful noise..."Amazing space," they sing... "how sweet it is, to have a disk like thee, My files were lost, but now they're found... There's room on my PC." During intermission, when Saint $ilicon has finished hawking such holy relics as posters, buttons, and tapes, he talkds about the true message of his on high tech antics... "Essentially, I created Saint $ilicon, the patron saint of appropriate technology, to save myself from the adverse effects of working seven years in the computer industry," says Armstrong... "He's the embodiment of certain idealisn." Like most saints, $ili Armstrong has an odd resume... The Detroit native holds degrees in psychology and creative wrting from Eastern Michigan University, and in history and comparative religons from the University of Califormia at Santa Cruz... A former street poet and vice president of a garment company, Armstrong was planning to teach when federal budget cuts dried up positions in the humanities... To support his wife and daughter (ten year old Guenevere, who thinks his act's a scream), Armstrong became a Middle East sales representative for Apple... Later he was marketing manager for Corvus Systems, then Nestar Systems, two Silicon Valley firms... My job was to help customers understand what the engineers were doing... I was what I call an intelligent interface between end users and people who were creating the technology... I'd go to the engineers and say, "What does this do?" and they'd say 'Do?'... They got so cut off from the rest of the world... I learned that's the only danger of technology, Humor Digest - December 90 UnCategorized Family Jokes disconnecting from reality... That's when you hurt yourself and other people... "Science and traditional religions run on algorithms that is, ridid rules... Following rules blindly, inflexibly, leads to danger... I developed the Church of Heuristic Informations Processing to teach a model of thinking for technological era: Heuristic thinking is flexible and varied, offering rules of thumb, not strict, specific laws... Our generation is challenged to absorb a lot of new information, while staying rooted but not rigid." The best way to keep people supple, he thinks, is by getting them to laugh at themselves... There will be no salvation for the computer industry until prepars to meet its mocker... Tonight's audience is ready to laugh, even when they don't get it all... "I'm just a beginner with computers," says the man with the crystal size Big Rock Candy Mountain..."Some of it was over my head, but he's funny." The saint's career is going divinely... He seems to be a solid hit on the circuit circuit, where the silicon savvy get all the in jokes and hang around after the sermon to tell some of their own... ("One I heard recently was, how is Ronald Readgan like Pascal programming? They both use a semicolon.") He does two weekly radio spots, one heard in the San Francisco Bay area and the other in New Your, and he is publishing his own Binary Bible... Several European firms have booked him, including the Vatican, though the boss won't be there... And he's running for president on the Technocrat ticket... "We're neither left nor right," he explains... "We're light... Our motto is, Lighten up!" After intermission, Jeffrey Armstrong addresses the group as himself, something he doesn't do with the corporate crowd... He discusses his desire to intergrate the linear thinking of the technological age with the cyclical thinking of the agricultural age, leads an esoteric discussion of Boolean algebra, and recites poetry... But it's Saint $ilicon who sends them out the door, warning folks to watch for the signs of PCness envy, the fear that the other guy's system packs more RAM: than yours, but ending with the promise of Nerrdvana and words that restoreth the scrool: "there's no need to abandon hope, all ye who press Enter; in the end everything will be right justified." -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Sign in a farmers fenced field: Do not cross this field unless you can do it in 9 seconds flat... The bull can do it in 10." -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Getting Even With The Answering Mmachine 1) Hello? This is the apartment manager. Due to numerous complaints from your neighbours, I'm going to have to ask you to put shock absorbers on your bed! 2) Hi. This is the Burnum and Barley Circus. When you were young, did you fantasize about joining the circus when you grew up? Well now's your chance... our geek quit! Call 123-4567 for more information. Humor Digest - December 90 UnCategorized Family Jokes 3) Hi. This is Walt Disney productions calling. Are you busy today? Trinkerbell called in sick and we need a fairy. 4) Hello. As you know, all public places have two restrooms - one for men and one for women. We are the Confederation of Hermaphrodites, Transexuals, Transvestites, and Ambisexuals, and we're petitioning for a third restroom for us. The only problem is, we can't think of a name to go on the door. 5) --- CLICK! --- -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Altered Alphabet By: M. J. Shields George Bernard Shaw once proposed that one letter of the alphabet be altered or deleted each year, thus giving the populace time to absorb the change. Here, according to one critic, is how the suggestion would work: In Year 1 that useless letter "c" would be dropped to be replaced by either "k" or "s", and likewise "x" would no longer be part of the alphabet. the only kase in which "c" would be retained would be the "ch" formation, which will be dealt with later. Year 2 might well reform the "w" spelling, so that "which" and "one" would take the same konsonant, wile Year 3 might well abolish "y" replasing it with "i", and Iear 4 might fiks the "g-j" anomali wonse and for all. Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear, with Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and the Iears 6-12 or so modifiing vovlz and rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants. Bai Ier 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov the ridandant letrz "c","y", and "x"- bai now jast a memori in the maindz ov ould doderez- tu riplais "ch","sh", and "th" rispektivli. Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud hev a lojikl kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld. Haweve, sin xe Wely, xe Airiy, and xe Skots do not skip Ingliy, xei wud hev to hev a speling siutd tu xer oun lengwij. Xei kud, haweve, orlweiz lern Ingliy as a sekond lengwij et skuul. Iors feixfuli, M. J. Yilz. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Bricklayer's Lament This was originally a letter from a luckless bricklayer in Barbados to his employer. When I got to the building, I found that the hurricane had knocked some bricks off the top. So I rigged up a beam and pulley at the top of the building and hoisted up a couple barrels of bricks. When I fixed the building, there was a lot of bricks left over. I hoisted the barrel back up again and secured the line at the bottom, and then went up and filled the barrel with the extra bricks. Then I went down to the bottom and cast off the line. Unfortunately, the barrel of bricks was heavier than I was and before I knew what had happened the barrel started down, jerking me off the ground. I decided to hang on and halfway up I met the barrel coming down and recieved a severe blow to my shoulder. I then continued to the top, Humor Digest - December 90 UnCategorized Family Jokes banging my head against the beam and getting my fingers jammed in the pulley. When the barrel hit the ground it bursted its bottom, allowing the bricks to spill out. I was now heavier than the barrel and so I started down again at high speed. Halfway down I met the barrel coming up and recieved severe injuries to shins. When I hit the ground I landed on the bricks, getting several cuts from the sharp edges. At this point I must have lost my presence of mind because I let go of the line. The barrel then came down giving me another heavy blow on the head and putting me in the hospital. I respectfully request sick leave. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- I'm My Own Grandpa By: Ray Stevens Many, many years ago, when I was twenty-three, I was married to a widow who was pretty as can be, This widow had a grown-up daughter who had hair of red, My father fell in love with her, and soon they too were wed. This made my dad my son-in-law and really changed my life, For now my daughter was my mother 'cause she was my father's wife And to complicate the matter, even though it brought me joy, I soon became the father of a bouncing baby boy. My little baby then became a brother-in-law to dad, And so became my uncle though it made me very sad, For if he were my uncle, that also made him the brother, Of the widow's grown-up daughter who was of course my step-mother My father's wife then had a son who kept them on the run, and he became my grandchild for he was my daughter's son, My wife is know my mother's mother, and it makes me very blue, Because although she is my wife, she's my grandmother too. Now if my wife is my grandmother, then I'm her grandchild, And every time I think of it, nearly drives me wild, Because I have become the strangest case you ever saw, As husband of my grandmother, I'm my own grandpa. I'm my own grandpa, I'm my own grandpa, It sounds funny I know, but it really is so, I'm my own grandpa, I'm my own grandpa. Listen to this now, I'm my own grandpa, You believe that, I'm my own grandpa, Talk about incest! It sounds funny I know, but it really is so, I'm my own grandpa. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Welfare: Actual Examples Of Letters Recieved By The Welfare Dept. In Application For Support Humor Digest - December 90 UnCategorized Family Jokes 1) I am fowarding my marriage certificate and six children. I had seven, but one died which was baptised on a half sheet of paper. 2) Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for a year and a half and has been visited regularly by the clergy. 3) I am glad to report that my husband who is missing, is dead. 4) I am very annoyed to find that you brand my son illeterate (sic). This is a dirty lie, as I was married a week before he was born. 5) Please find out for certain if my husband is dead? The man I am living with can't eat or do anything until he knows. 6) I am fowarding my marriage certificate and three children, one of which is a mistake as you can see. 7) My husband got his project cut off two weeks ago, and I haven't had any relief since. 8) Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon, I will be forced to live an immortal (sic) life. 9) You have changed my little boy to a girl, will this make a difference. 10) I have no children as yet as my husband is a truck driver and works day and night. 11) I want money quick as I can get it. I have been in bed with the doctor for two weeks, and he doesn't do any good. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Anecdotes Charles De Gaulle 1890-1970 Lunching with English friends at the time of her husband's retirement, Madame De Gaulle was asked what she was looking forward to in the years ahead. "A penis," she replied without hesitation. The embarrassed silence that followed was finally broken by the former President of France. "My dear," he murmured, "I think the English don't pronounce the word quite like that. It's `'appiness.'" Ernest Hemmingway 1899-1961 Hemmingway's contract with his publishers, Scribner's, contained a clause prohibiting the publishers from changing a single word in his manuscripts. Maxwell Perkins, then an editor with Scribner's, was reading "Death in the Afternoon" when he came across the word "fuck." He decided to apply to the highest authority to get a ruling on whether to delete it. he read the passage to the elderly Charles Scribner, head of the firm, who was just about to leave the office and did not feel capable of reaching an immediate decision. "We will have to discuss this fully when I come back from lunch," said the distinguished publisher, and on his notepad headed "What To Do Today" jotted down the one word: "Fuck." Henri IV 1553-1610, King of France As the King passed through a small town, a deputation of Burgesses was drawn up at the gates to receive him. Just as the leading dignitary began his speach of welcome, a donkey nearby started to bray. The king turned toward the noisy creature and said with great gravity, "Gentlemen, one at a time, please." Humor Digest - December 90 UnCategorized Family Jokes Richard Harris Barham 1788-1845 At Oxford Barham regularly failed to attend morning chapel. His tutor demanded an explanation. Barham excused himself. "The fact is, sir, it's too late for me," he said "Too late!" said the astonished tutor. "Yes, sir," Barham continued. "I'm a man of regular habits and I can't sit up until sevon o'clock in the morning. Unless I get to bed by four, or five at the latest, I'm good for nothing next day." Leo Blech 1871-1958, German composer and conductor. At a rehearsal of the orchestra of the Berlin State Opera Company, one of the players could not follow Blech's beat. "You're new here?" asked Blech. "Yes, I started only yesterday," replied the player. "Well, your difficulty is understandable," said Blech. "Let's work at it till we get it right." He spent two hours working with the performer, then said, "now it sounds right and tomorrow at the premiere you'll be perfect." The player replied, "But I won't be here tomorrow. I'm only here to help out with the rehearsals." William Lisle Bowles 1762-1850, British clergyman. When Bowles gave a Bible to Bessie Moore, wife of the poet Tom Moore, she asked him to inscribe it. She was startled to see that the absent minded divine had written: "from the Author." Maurice Bowra 1898-1971, British classical scholar. Parson's Pleasure, the stretch of river at Oxford set aside for men's bathing, is out of bounds for woman. One day Bowra and a group of other dons were bathing there au naturel when a boatload of women, disregarding the "Men Only" signs, rowed into their midst. The dons on the bank hurriedly grabbed their towels and fashioned impromptu loincloths - with the exception of Bowra, who threw his towel over his face. When the intruders had gone, Bowra explained, "I believe, gentlemen, that I am recognized by my face." Jack Benny 1894-1974 Benny was never able to make fellow comedian George Burns laugh. "I thought I had him once in Milwaukee," he told an interviewer. "George telephoned me from down stairs to say he was coming up. I got undressed and stood naked on a table posing like a statue holding a rose in my hand. I figured when he came in the door, he'd have to laugh." "What happened?" "He sent the maid in first." replied Benny. Lord Gerald Tyrwhitt-Wilson 14th Baron Berners 1883-1950 One of his acquaintances was in the impertinent habit of saying to him, "I have been sticking up for you." He repeated this once too often, and Lord Berners replied, "Yes, and I have been sticking up for you. Someone said you aren't fit to live with pigs, and I said you are." Humor Digest - December 90 UnCategorized Family Jokes Sarah Bernhardt, French actress, 1844-1923 In the United States a clergyman spoke of Bernhardt as "an imp of darkness, a female demon sent from the modern Babylon to corrupt the New World." Sarah responded with a note: "My dear confrere, why attack me so violently? Actors ought not to be hard on one another." Clergyman across the United States, in fact, denounced Sarah Bernhardt from their pulpits as the "Whore of Babylon," thereby ensuring massive attendance at her performances. The Episcopalian bishop of Chicago having delivered a particularly effective piece of publicity, Bernhardt arranged for her agent to send him a note and a bank draft. "Your Excellency," the note read," I am accustomed, when I bring an attraction to your town, to spend $400 on advertising. As you have done half the advertising for me, I herewith enclose $200 for your parish." Prince Otto Eduard Leopold Von Bismarck 1815-1898 Bismarck had been conversing for a rather long time with the English ambassador when the latter posed a question: "How do you handle insistent visitors who take up so much of your valuable time?" Bismarck answered, "Oh, I have an infallible method. My servant appears and informs me that my wife has something urgent to tell me." At that moment there was a knock at the door and the servant entered with a message from his wife. Brendan Behan 1923-1964, Irish playwright. During one of his alcoholic periods, Behan arrived at his publisher's office en route for Euston station, wearing his pajamas under his suit. The publicity director, a friend of the family, was to accompany Behan to the station to meet his parents. She had the task of making him a little more presentable. "On our way to the station we stopped at an outfitter's in a side street off the Euston Road, and although the cloths in the window had little to do with Brendan, we went in. As I busied myself informing the immaculately dressed assistant that we wanted an overcoat, shirt, and a tie, I did not notice that brendan was preparing himself enthusiastically for the fitting until, too late, he stood in front of us with not a stitch between himself and his maker, his suit and his pajamas bunched in a pile by his tiny bare feet. With a dignity that is essentially the mark of a perfect English gentleman, the assistant did not raise an eyebrow as he helped Brendan into his new shirt and back into his trousers as though the sight of a naked customer in his shop was an everyday occurrence." Behan was originally a housepainter by trade, and while in paris was asked to paint a sign on the window of a cafe to attract English tourists. He painted: Come in, you Anglo-Saxon swine And drink of my Algerian Wine. `Twill turn your eyeballs black and blue, And damn well good enough for you. After receiving payment for the job, Behan fled before the cafe proprietor had time to have the rhyme translated. Behan was asked what he thought of drama critics. "Critics are like Humor Digest - December 90 UnCategorized Family Jokes eunuchs in a harem," he replied, "They're there every night, they see it done every night, they see how it should be done every night, but they can't do it themselves." From John Train's "True Remarkable Occurrences" Married: Moses Alexander, aged 93, to Mrs. Frances Tompkins, aged 105, in Bata, N.Y., on June 11, 1831. They were both taken out of bed dead the following morning. Sophie Arnould 1740-1802 - French actress and opera singer. A rival actress had been presented by her lover with a magnificent diamond necklace. The necklace was rather to long and as worn by the actress it seemed to be about to disappear down er cleavage. Sophie Arnould commented, "It's just returning to its source." John Jacob Astor 1763-1848 Astor once observed to Julia Ward Howe, "A man who has a million dollars is as well of as if he were rich." Christopher Thomas Atkinson 1874-1964 During one course of lectures Atkinson found himself confronted with a group of girl students. He began by saying that his talk that morning would be on the sexual prowess of the natives of the Polynesian Islands. The shocked ladies made a concerted rush for the door. Atkinson called after them, "It's all right, ladies, you needn't hurry. There's not another boat for a month." -------------------------------------------------------------------------- A Dieter's Prayer By: Richard Simmons Lord, grant me the strength that I may not fall, Into the clutches of cholesterol. At polyunsaturate I'll never mutter, For the road through life is paved with butter. And cake is cursed and cream is awful, And ten extra pounds is hidden in every waffle. A double chin is in a chocolate drop, And tummy bulge is in a lollypop. Teach me the evils of hollandaise, Of pasta and gobs of mayonnaise. And crisp fried chicken from the south. Lord, if you love me, shut my mouth. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Groucho Marx Groucho was working in the garden of his California house, dressed in tattered and ancient clothes. A wealthy matron in a Cadillac caught sight of him, stopped and wondered whether she might persuade the supposed gardener to came and woork for her. "Gardener," she called, "How much does the lady of the house pay you?" Humor Digest - December 90 UnCategorized Family Jokes Groucho looked up. "Oh, I don't get paid in dollars," he replied. "The lady of the house just lets me sleep with her." During his stint as comedian in a show called "You Bet Your Life," Groucho interviewed many participants. On one occasion he interviewed a Mrs. Story, who had given birth to 22 children. "I lov my husband," Mrs. Story said enthusiastically. "I like my cigar, too," said Groucho, "but I take it out once in awhile." (This remark, like many others, had to be cut before broadcast. On average one and a half hours of live show were cut to about 26 minutes of broadcast.) Invited to a bachelor dinner at a fasionable restaurant before a high- society wedding, Groucho and Harpo noted that the automatic elevator opened directly into the dinning rooms on the various floors. As the elevator went up, they gleefully arranged a suprise for the assembled bachelors and emerged - carrying thier clothes in valises and wearing nothing but top hats. To their consternation, they were greeted not by raucous roars of male hilarity but by high-pitched feminine shrieks. The bride was entertaining her friends on the floor above the bachelor dinner, and Groucho and Harpo had pressed the wrong button. No ready escape appeared they took refuge behind a large potted plant until they could drape themselves in tablecloths secured by a kindly waiter, murmur abject apologies to the horrified ladies and slink ignominiously from the room. Marx despised the empty cliches of business correspondence. A letter from his abnk manager ended with the standard phrase, "If I can be of any service to you, do not hesitate to call on me." Marx immediately put pen to paper. "Dear Sir," he wrote, "The best thing you can do to be of service to me is to steal some money from the account of one of your richer clients and credit it to mine." -------------------------------------------------------------------------- William S. Gilbert The actress Henrietta Hodson had a long-running feud with Gilbert, whose dictatorial methods in the theater she strongly resented. At a rehearsal for a Gilbert comedy she missed the chair and sat down heavily on the stage. Gilbert applauded from the stalls, "I always thought you would make an impression on the stage someday," he said. At rehearsals one day, Gilbert was anxious to speak to a particular actress and asked a stagehand where she might be found. "She's round behind," replied the stagehand. "Yes I know that," said Gilbert, "but where is she?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Winston Churchill As a young subaltern Churchill sported a mustache. At a smart dinner he fell into argument with a grand dowager who, thinking to quell him, snapped, "young man, I care for neither your politics nor your mustache." "Madam," responded Churchill, "You are unlikely to come in contact with either." Humor Digest - December 90 UnCategorized Family Jokes Once when Churchill was visiting the White House, President Roosevelt wheeled himself along to the British Prime Minister's bedroom and open the door unexpectedly. Churchill was standing in the middle of the room stark naked and unembarrassed. "You see, Mr. President," he said, we British have nothing to hide." George Bernard Shaw sent Churchill a note inviting him to the first-night performance of "Saint Joan." He enclosed two tickets, "One for you and one for a friend - if you have one." Expressing his regret at being unable to attend, Churchill replied, asking if it would be possible to have tickets for the second night - "if there is one." Entering the men's room in the House of Commons one day, Churchill found Clement Attlee already standing at the urinal. Churchill took up his stance at the opposite end of the urinal. "Feeling standoffish today, are we Winston?" asked Attlee. "that's right," replied churchill. "Every time you see something big, you want to nationalize it." Of the Greek prime minister Plasteras, Churchill once remarked, "Well, I hope he doesn't have feet of clay, too." -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Thomas Coleman Du Pont On arrival at a hotel, Du Pont found that a lady who had previously occupied his room had left behind a frilly nightgown. He summoned the manager, handed him the garment, and instructed, "Fill it, and bring it back." -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Clarence Darrow A female client whose legal problems Darrow had solved burbled, "How can I ever show my appreciation, Mr. Darrow?" "Ever since the Phoenicians invented money," replied darrow, "there has been only one answer to that question." Darrow was being interviewed for a magazine article on the reasons given by prominent men for their success. "Most of the men I've spoken to so far attribute their success to hard work," said the interviewer. "I guess that applies to me, too," said darrow. "I was brought up on farm. One very hot day I was distributing and packing down the hay which a stacker was constantly dumping on top of me. By noon I was completely exhausted. that afternoon I left the farm, never to return, and I haven't done a day of hard work since." -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Jack Dempsey J. Paul Getty was one of the most wealthy men who frequently came to watch Dempsey train. Himself a keen amateur boxer, he asked to be allowed to spar for a round with the champion. getty put up quite a credible performance until he made the mistake of saying, "Hit me a little harder, Jack." Dempsey knocked him out. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Mrs. Thomas E. Dewey Humor Digest - December 90 UnCategorized Family Jokes In the 1948 presidential contest between Truman and Dewey, the latter looked like a winner. On election night, Dewey asked his wife, "How will it be to sleep with the president of the United States?" She replied, "A high honor, and quite frankly, darling, I'm looking forward to it." The next morning, at breakfast, after Dewey's defeat, Mrs. Dewey said, "Tell me, Tom, am I going to Washington or is Harry coming here?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------- My ex-boyfriend is a magician. He walks down the street and turns into a liquor store. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Brain Drainers A Love Story: Four men and four women were shipwrecked on a deserted island. Eventually each falls in love with one other, and is him/herself loved by one person. John falls in love with a girl, who, unfortunales (unfortunatly), is in love with Jim. Arthur loves a girl who loves the man who loves Ellen. Mary is loved by the man who is loved by the girl who is loved by Bruce. Gloria hates bruce and is hated by the man whom Hazel loves. Q: Who loves Arthur? Monkey Buisiness: A rope hangs over the top of a fence. The rope has the same length on each side (hanging evenly over the fence). The rope weighs one third (1/3) of a pound per foot. On one end hangs a monkey holding a banana, and on the other end a weight equal to the weight of the monkey. The banana weighs 2 ounces per inch. The rope is as long (in feet) as the age of the monkey (in years), and the weight of the monkey (in ounces) is the same as the age of the monkey's mother. The combined ages of the monkey and it's mother is 30 years. one half the weight of the monkey, plus the weight of the banana, is one forth as much as the weight of the weight (lead thing on the rope) and the weight of the rope. (this is where it get tricky) The monkey's mother is half as old as the monkey will be when it is three times as old as it's mother was when she was half as old as the monkey will be when it is as old as its mother will be when she is four times as old as the monkey was when it was twice as old as it's mother was when she was one third as old as the monkey was when it was as old as its mother was when she was three times as old as the monkey was when it was one fourth (1/4) as old as it is now. Q: How long is the banana? (Hint: do it backwards) -------------------------------------------------------------------------- It used to be that the only thing that were inevitable were death and taxes, now you can also count on shipping and handling. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- A teacher was winding up a discussion in her fourth grade class on the importance of curiosity... Teacher: "Where would we be today if no one had ever been curious?" Humor Digest - December 90 UnCategorized Family Jokes Child: "In the Garden of Eden?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Some REAL towns in the U.S.A. Toad Suck,Arkansas Lizard Lick,North Carolina Hot Coffee,Mississippi Noodle,Texas Slap Out,Oklahoma Cut and Shoot,Texas Gun Barrel City,Texas Pancake,Texas Hell,Michigan Chicken Bristle,Illinois Yum Yum,Tennessee Two Egg,Florida Knockemstiff,Ohio Intercourse,Pennsylvania Dry Prong,Louisiana Bug Tussle,Texas Barnacle Itch, California Saccharin Falls, Nebraska Sari Sari, Wisconsin Boltnut, Tennessee Squeaky Wheel, New Mexico Sponge, New Mexico Spackle, West Virginia Crant Schniffle, Nebraska Las Vegas, New Mexico Paris, Texas Rhome, Texas Albany, Florida West, Texas Juice, Florida Palette, Maine Moon, Texas Promise, Oklahoma Raisin, New Hampshire Possibly, Connecticut -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Humor Digest - December 90 UnCategorized Social Jokes -------------------------------------------------------------------------- The San Franciscans really enjoy Christmas... That's when they don their gay apparel. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- FART FACTS & FALLACIES Q: Is it true that too much farting can cause blindness or sterility? A: NO! There is absolutely no scientific evidence to support this fallacy. It was probably created by parents who were afraid of their children abusing the fart. Q: Do beans really warrant their reputation as a fart maker? A: YES. Beans and other pulses (dried edible seeds) contain an antitryptic factor that interferes with the digestion of proteins. The undigested protein is worked on by bacteria to produce flatus. Fried foods also produce a lot of gas because they are so difficult to digest; a lot is left for the bacteria to work on. Q: Does excitement enhance farting? A: YES. Anything that speeds food through the digestive system (as excitement does) will create undigested food material reaching the colon, creating a feast for bacteria. Q: Is it true that farts are flammable? A: YES. Any college student can tell you that methane and hydrogen, if lit, will produce a gem-like flame. Q: Is man at the top of the fart world? A: NO. Although well up on the scale of farters, man can't hold a candle to some of nature's farters. Man produces 400-1200 cc of flatus per day. A cow, whose diet is totally plant material, produces 300,000-600,000 cc of gas per day. But the real gas guzzlers, ranking number one on the "toot meter", are the elephants, whose flatulance production runs into the millions of cc's per day. Q: Is garlic a gas producer as well? A: Garlic inhibits the growth of bacteria and therefore REDUCES the amount of flatus. Q: Is it true that the extinction of the dinosaurs can be attributed to the fart? A: VERY POSSIBLE. The extinction of the dinosaur and the rise of the mammal coincide at about 70 million years ago has led scientists to the "furry fart theory." With the mammals came the first true farts. The addition of extra methane and hydrogen sulfide to the air polluted the dinosaur's system and eventually came to interrupt the shell-forming glands of Humor Digest - December 90 UnCategorized Social Jokes these reptiles. The soft eggs easily broke when jostled. With fewer eggs surviving, fewer and fewer dinosaurs survived until none were left. Q: Is Gustav Andre Stool, the famous farting ventriloquist, still alive? A: YES. Now 83, the famous nightclub entertainer of the late 1940's, Stool presently resides in Miami Beach. During the late 40's and early 50's he amazed audiences around the country with his ability to throw a fart across the stage and into the audience. By the middle 50's his act ran out of steam. No longer in demand, he withdrew into seclusion. Surfacing again in the late 60's, full of bitterness, he secretly toured the country embarrassing dignitaries and show business types by throwing his farts at inopportune times. His final "performance" came at the second inauguration of Richard Nixon. Standing in the audience, some 100 feet from the stand, Stool threw his fart right at Nixon right in the middle of the swearing in. At that moment the Chief Justice turned to a colleague and was heard to whisper, "An ominous air hovers over this administration." -------------------------------------------------------------------------- There is a new cereal out and it is aimed at the projects. It's called "Nut'n Bitch". -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Did you hear about the doctor who had his license taken away because he was having affairs with his patients? Yeah, it's a shame because he was one of the top veterinarians in America! -------------------------------------------------------------------------- People who live in glass houses... don't have much of a sex life. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Sign in a Polish Men's Room... "Please Don't Eat The Toilet Mint" -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Jock Strap -- "Under the butt nut hut" Bra -- "Over the shoulder bolder holder". -------------------------------------------------------------------------- When the sultan entered his harem unexpectedly, his wives let out a terrified sheik. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Yes, America! Land of the free! (Except if you're Black, Asian, Jewish...) Home of the brave! (Especially if you're Black, Asian, Jewish...) America the Beautiful (The Jay Parangalan Remix) Sing with me now! "Oh beautiful for crowded skies, For air-polluted bays. For nuclear catastrophies, And stinkin' Danny Quayle. America, America, God shed his hairs on thee. We'll bravely guard our VISA card Humor Digest - December 90 UnCategorized Social Jokes And push for World War III." Everybody sing! "Oh, beautiful for rampant crime, For heroin and coke. Televangelists to rob us blind, When were three trillion broke. America, America, We've oil slicks on our seas. We're ignorant of government, And hooked on MTV." -------------------------------------------------------------------------- There is incontrovertible proof that Jesus was Jewish: * He went into his father's business. * He lived at home until he was 30. * He thought his mother was a virgin. * She thought he was God. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- OKLAHOMA 1991 ATTORNEY SEASON BAG LIMIT 1300.01 - General 1) Any person with a valid Oklahoma State hunting license may harvest attorneys. 2) Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited. 3) Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash. 4) It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow machine, helicopter, or aircraft. 5) It shall be unlawful to shout "WHIPLASH", "AMBULANCE", or "FREE PERRIER" for the purpose of trapping attorneys. 6) It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW dealerships. 7) If an attorney is elected to government office it shall be a felony to hunt, trap, or possess them. 8) It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drug dealer, female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys. BAG LIMITS: 1) Yellow-Bellied Sidewinder 2 2) Two-Faced Tort Teaser 1 3) Back-Stabbing Divorce Litigator 4 4) Small-Breasted Ball Buster (Female Only) 3 5) Honest Attorney ENDANGERED 6) Cut Throat 2 7) Brown-Nose Judge Kisser 2 8) Silver-Tongued Drug Defender $100 Bounty -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Humor Digest - December 90 UnCategorized Social Jokes Humor Digest - December 90 UnCategorized Adult Jokes -------------------------------------------------------------------------- And now, a letter from Santa. Dear _________________, I recently got your Christmas list, but there's a few problems with it. I'd like to review them with you, if I could... Firstly, the twelve drummers drumming are having a bit of a spat with the eleven pipers piping -- so much so, that they've completely ruined my toy shop. The ten lords a-leaping have knocked up the eight maids a-milking, and the nine ladies dancing all got VD. I'm up to my ass in bird shit from the seven swans a-swimming, six geese a-laying, four colly birds, three french hens, two turtle doves, and that damn partidge. The five golden rings turned my fingers green. To top it all off, Mrs. Claus is going through menopause, my reindeer are in heat, my dwarves have filed a petition with the ACLU for gay rights, and I have your Christmas scheduled for February. Merry fucking Christmas, Santa -------------------------------------------------------------------------- College Courses Home courses on Advanced Sexual Techniques 101 now available. Our instructors even make bed er I mean house calls. A certificate of fitness from your doctor is necessary before taking the course. The course curiculuum is as follows: 1) Eye Contact (looky that babe over there - wink wink nudge nudge) 2) Initial Greeting (haven't I seen you somewhere before?) 3) Conversation (your place or mine) 4) Decision Making (your place) 5) Warming Up (whispering sweet nothings) 6) Decsion Making Second Level (the couch or the bed) 7) Foreplay (you rub mine and I'll rub yours) 8) Advanced Foreplay - Oral Sex 9) Oral Problems (Male) - what to do if you cum and how to say you are sorry and actually sound like you mean it when you really don't 10) Oral Problems (Female) - (spit or swallow) 11) Initial Sexual Contact - The Entry Manouvre (this won't hurt a bit) 12) Advanced Sexual Contact - Stamina, Penetration and Motion 13) Advanced Sexual Contact - Simultaneous Orgasm 14) Problems - What to do if she cums first or last 15) Relaxation Techniques - what to do between sessions 16) The Second Round - Resuming and Maintaining Arousal 17) The Third Round - (advanced course certificate required) 18) Cuddling and Soothing (why you should not fall asleep right away) 19) The Next Morning - (restart at step 5 for advanced sexual athletes) 20) Parting is such sweet sorrow - how to say goodbye and thanks for the fun Humor Digest - December 90 UnCategorized Adult Jokes Advanced Sexual Techniques 102 covers such subjects as the 6 basic sexual positions, sex toys, bondage and how to enjoy mild S&M for increased sexual enjoyment. Advanced oral arousal is also covered in detail. Anatomical diagrams of male and female sex organs will be supplied. Anal sex will also be covered. A side course dealing with acceptable lubricants will be covered. Advanced Course for Olympic Class Sexual Athletes is being prepared and will be posted if there are any survivors oops!! I mean graduates of course level 102. Course content is unknown at this time but a tentative course outline being considered is group sex (sex with two men and one women and two women and one man. Sex with multiple partners) How to have sex with an audience in attendance. A course in refereeing is also available for Olympic judges. Course outline being considered is scoring in such areas as initial contact, foreplay, penetration, stamina, multiple orgasms, how to tell a fake orgasm, oral sex, sexual positions (mandatory and free style), physical attributes of athletes, inventiveness and acrobatics. How to rate sex toys and other novelties will also be covered as will recipes of body oils used for stimulation and lubricants used in free style events using various body orifices. For more information please contact Kathleen. All material will be sent under plain brown wrapper for a fee of $50 (fifty dollars) in Canadian funds. This fee can be used toward the first of your lessons. Course rules are as follows. All students regardless of experience must take course 101. Applications for level jumping will be considered after this introduction course. All instructions from the instructor must be followed to the letter except in the Olympic Athlete Class course where initiative and inventiveness is encouraged. All applicants for the judges course must successfully pass level 102. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- APPLICATION FOR A NAUGHTY Name of Applicant _____________________________________ Name of Intended recipient _____________________________________ APPLICANT`S RELATIONSHIP TO INTENDED RECIPIENT: ( ) Husband ( ) Wife ( ) Acquaintance ( ) Fiance ( ) Fiancee ( ) Intended Acquaintance MY REASON FOR THIS APPLICATION IS: ( ) Anniversary ( ) Pre-marital check ( ) Practise ( ) Annual run over target ( ) Prevent healing up ( ) Dirty water Other reason/s _________________________________________________ TYPE REQUIRED: ( ) Fast ( ) Slow ( ) Long ( ) Short ( ) Multiple Humor Digest - December 90 UnCategorized Adult Jokes LOCATION: ( ) Our house ( ) Your house ( ) My house ( ) Car ( ) Anywhere TIME: ( ) Early ( ) Late ( ) Matinee ( ) All Night and/or Day ( ) Any APPLICATION CLASSIFICATION: ( ) First Application ( ) Routine ( ) Desperate ( ) On knees INTENDED RECIPIENT`S REMARKS: Your application has been joyfully, happily, unexpectedly, excitedly, coldly, frigidly, (STRIKE OUT INAPPLICABLE) received: ( ) Yes ( ) No ( ) Maybe ( ) Impossible ( ) How much $ MY REASON/S FOR ACCEPTING YOUR APPLICATION IS/ARE: ( ) Anniversary ( ) Pre-marital check ( ) Practise ( ) Annual run over target ( ) Prevent healing up ( ) Dirty water ( ) Birthday ( ) Health MY REASON/S FOR NOT ACCEPTING YOUR APPLICATION IS/ARE: ( ) Too tired ( ) Too frigid ( ) Too watched ( ) Too sick ( ) Too cold ( ) Too drunk ( ) Too sober ( ) Too bored ( ) Too young ( ) Too good ( ) Too late ( ) Too old ( ) Too scared ( ) Too often ( ) Too pregnant ( ) Too sore ( ) Too early ( ) Too mean ( ) Too important ( ) Too hot ( ) Too rusty ( ) Too morrow ( ) Too messy ( ) Too sated SPECIAL NOTE: This form is to be returned, post haste, to applicant, duly completed by recipient. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- One buddy talking to another: "Me, fight with my wife! Hell No! She's got half the money and all the pussy, the argument is already won! Last week I had my wife down on her hands and knees begging... begging for me to come out from under the bed and fight like a man!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------- The common symptoms of swine flu are: High fever, upset stomach, occasional cramps and an irresistable urge to fuck in the mud. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- A man who worked for the Fire Department came home one day and told his wife, "you know, we have a wonderful system for being organized at the Fire Dept." Bell 1: We all put our coats on Bell 2: We all slide down the pole Humor Digest - December 90 UnCategorized Adult Jokes Bell 3: We're on the truck and ready to go From now on we are going to run this house the same way. When I say... Bell 1: You strip naked Bell 2: You jump in bed Bell 3: We are going to screw all night The next night he came home from work and yelled... Bell 1, and she took off her clothes Bell 2, and she jumped into bed Bell 3, and they began to screw After 2 minutes, she yelled- "bell 4!" He said "What the HELL is bell 4?" "More hose!" she said, "You're no where near the fire"! -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Humor Digest - December 90 Poems -------------------------------------------------------------------------- A Knight From SAC Twas the night of the trials, when all through Iraq All the troops were assembled, each one with a pack. The Kuwaiti emigrates were fleeing with care Cause large profits from oil, they did not share. The locals were huddled on palace-like floors As Iraqi soldiers were storming their doors. With the whole world watching and soldiers on guard, Even newscasters agreed, Saddam was too hard. When right over Baghdad, there arose such a clatter, Hussein jump up to see what was the matter. Away to the window, he flew like a flash, He pulled back his moustache and threw up the sash. When what to his beady little eyes should appear, But B-52's with Christian bombadiers! With a squadron of Eagles defending their flanks, He knew in a moment, it must be the Yanks. With a chuckle t'was heard as far as the Nile, "IP Inbound", the Nav announced with a smile. The crew dogs all thought it a nice touch of class To change Iraq's landscape from sand into glass. Now rockets, now missiles, now B-52's, "Let's light up Baghdad for the late evening news." Over guard channel came words of attack, "If you missed sunrise this morning, here's another from SAC!" On the mosque, on the palace, on every last wall, Bombs away! Bombs away! Let the nuclear's fall! The onto the housetops, SAC's rage did fall, With great mushroom clouds, engulfing them all. America's present to Saddam the Sage, A fully-paid ticket to the Stone Age. Then the planes turned, headed back to their homes, Assured that Saddam was charred to the bone. And flight leaders exclaimed, as the started to land, That's one for the good guys, the ragheads be damned! -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Humor Digest - December 90 Poems A Woodstock Christmas Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, everyone felt shitty, even the mouse. Dad at the whore house, mom smoking grass, I'd just settled down, for a nice piece of ass. Then out on the lawn, there arose such a clatter, I sprang from my piece, to see what was the matter. He came down the chimney, like a bat from hell, I knew right away, the fat fucker fell. He filled all the stockings,with pretzels and beer, and a big rubber dick, for my brother the queer. He arose from the chimney, with one hell of a fart, that son of a bitch, blew the chimney apart. He swore and cursed, as he flew out of sight, piss on you all, and have a hell of a night. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- X-mas in the 20th Century 'Twas the night before Christams -- the very last one -- when the blazing of lasers destroyed all our fun. Just as Santa had lifted off, driving his sleigh, A satelite spotted him making his way. The Star Wars Defense System -- Reagan's desire Was ready for action, and started to fire! The laser beams criss-crossed and lit up the sky Like a fireworks show on the Fourth of July. I'd just finished wrapping the last of the toys Wen out of my chimmney there came a great noise. I looked to the fireplace, hoping to see St. Nick bringing presents for Missus and me. But what I saw next was disturbing and shocking; A flaming red jacket setting fire to my stocking! Charred reindeer remains and a melted sleigh-bell; Outside burning toys like confetty they fell. So now you know, children, why Christmas is gone: The Star Wars computer had got something wrong. Only programmed for battle, it hadn't a heart; 'Twas hardly a chance it would work from the start. Humor Digest - December 90 Poems It couldn't be tested, and no one could tell, If the crazy contraption would work very well. So after a trillion or two had been spent The system thought Santa a Red missle sent. So kids dry your tears now, and get off to bed, There won't be a Christmas -- since Santa is dead. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- The MONTH? before Christmas It was a month before Christmas, and just for a stunt, Santa had his face buried in Mrs. Clauses' cunt. There was a loud noise and Santa Jumped with a start It seemed Mrs. Claus had cut loose with one hell of a fart. All Santa could do was gag and to spit, His face and his beard were all plastered with shit. Mrs. Claus was still on the bed, panting and groaning, Hollering for Santa to try and get his bone in. Santa started laughing and shouting, and with a loud cheer,, Said I know what to do, I'll screw one of the deer. They're cleaner and neater, and don't you suppose, I'll be just the right height if I stand on my toes. Santa ran from the barn Shaking his head at the noise, Saying Jesus Christ, how'd I know they were all boys. It was getting about time to head for the south, Santa hoping he could get rid of the taste in his mouth. As the reindeer proceeded to line up in fours, Santa hollered "Merry Christmas Mrs. Claus this vibrator is yours!" As Santa and his sleigh streaked into the sky, He said you may not be able to fuck yourself, but why don't you try. While Santa rode in the night, his ass frozen to the sled, He started thinking of Mrs. Claus at home in her warm bed. Santa spun in midair and headed back to the pole, They say he never got farther from that hairy old hole. The moral of this story will end with this bit, Any job that you do, you just have to take shit. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Ok, The NIGHT before Christmas Twas the night before christmas when all through the house, Humor Digest - December 90 Poems the whole damn family was drunk as a louse. Grandpa and grandma were singing a song, and the kid was in bed flogging his dong. Ma home from the cathouse and I out of jail, had just settled down for a good piece of tail. When out on the lawn, there arose such a clatter, I jumped off of ma to see what was the matter. Away to the window I made a mad dash, threw open the window and fell out on my ass. And what to my bloodshot eyes should appear, but a rusty old sleigh and a dozen reindeer. With a little old driver holding his prick, I knew in a moment that bastard was nick. Slower than snails his chargers they came, He bitched and he swore as he called them by name. "Now Dancer, now prancer, up over the walls, quick now, damnit, or I'll cut off your balls!" Then up on the roof he stumbled and fell, and came down the chimney like a bat out of hell. He staggered and stumbled and went to the door, he tripped on his cock and fell to the floor. I heard him exclaim as he drove out of sight, "Piss on you all, It's a hell of a night!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------- A DC Christmas! T'was the night before christmas and all through DC, not a creature was stirring except Marion B. The streets were abandoned, while drug dealers slept, but the mayor in his limo, through northwest he crept. A silver spoon was hung from his neck with great care, in hopes that Charles Lewis soon would be there. When, all at once there arose such a clatter, he halted his limo to see what was the matter. And what, to his wondering eyes should appear, but a pile of white powder, a mountain of cheer. He jumped from the limo, lickety split. Five minutes later the mayor was lit. Humor Digest - December 90 Poems He snorted and shoveled that coke up his nose. His eyes were all bloodshot and glowed like a rose. Back to the limo he ran like a flash. Now that that's gone let's go home to my stash. I heard him exclaim with no hint of strife, I'll snort if I like, I'm mayor for life. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Humor Digest - December 90 Bonus Section #5 -------------------------------------------------------------------------- A Collection Of Top 10 Lists From "Late Night With David Lettermen" For The Year 1987 -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Bernhard Goetz's Top 10 Pickup Lines June 17, 1987 10) "Excuse me, Miss. I was shooting at the gentleman next to you. 9) "How'd you like to double date with the Sliwas?" 8) "Care to dance with an intense gun-toting loner?" 7) "You would have a very curvy chalk outline." 6) "I hate these pistol ranges, they're just meat markets." 5) "Sure, I know Gabe Pressman personally." 4) "Give me a scotch and soda and see what the punk on the floor will have." 3) "Which do you think is funnier - Deathwish II or Deathwish III?" 2) "The evening is young. Let's clean up this town." 1) "That is a gun in my pocket, and I am glad to see you." Top 10 Radio Formats June 18, 1987 10) Dog-frequency easy listening 9) Bagpipes for lovers 8) Amish call-in 7) Top hits marred by heavy static 6) Brothers of superstars 5) 24-hour phone-in whistling 4) Noisy music for the unemployed foreigners next door 3) Gospel parakeets 2) News with swear words 1) Show tunes for sissy-boys Top 10 New York City Science Projects June 19, 1987 10) Summer Heat and Rotting Garbage: Fuel of the Future 9) Buoyancy in Mob Corpses 8) Roaches and Music: Pretty Much Any Nightclub in Town 7) Trigonometry of the Ricochet 6) Inducing Unconsciousness in Strangers 5) Shoving Matches: The Universal Language 4) Removing Flesh from a Gold Chain 3) Men Who Kiss Each Other 2) Bio-pneumatics: Token-sucking Observed 1) Lab Rats: Sissy Cousins to the Real Thing Top 10 Sources of Friction in the Arnold Schwarzenegger Maria Shriver Marriage (6/22/87 repeat) 10) Language Barrier Humor Digest - December 90 Bonus Section #5 9) Forrest Sawyer Drops in at All Hours 8) Puts Steroids in Mint Dish as Practical Joke 7) Uncle Ted Always Wants to Arm Wrestle 6) Thinks Jane Pauley is a "Fabulous Babe" 5) Refuses to Learn Works to "Edelweiss" 4) Muscle Magazines Leave No Room in Rack for Town & Country 3) Uses "Bulking up" as Excuse to Eat Like a Pig 2) Rose Always Wants to Arm Wrestle 1) Body Oil on the Upholstery Top 10 Things That Will Happen Before the Olympics are Held in Korea June 23, 1987 10) Jesse Jackson Sends Away TV Cameras: Demands Privacy 9) Amish Terrorists Seize Airliner 8) Bob Guccione Offers Million Dollars to Barbara Bush for Photo Layout 7) Ishtar II 6) Jane Pauley Shaves Head to Lower Wind Resistance 5) Shuttle Mission to Moons of Jupiter Manned by the O'Jays 4) Record Turnout at New York City Ballet's Father/Son Picnic 3) Letterman to Star in TV Adaptation of "The Hobbit" 2) Sunday Morning Today Show Shatters Nielsen Record 1) Mike Tyson Named England's New Poet Laureate Don King's Top 10 Titles for the Pope/Waldheim Meeting June 24, 1987 10) The Meet at St. Pete 9) The Grapple Near the Sistine Chapel 8) The Thrilla in the Basilica 7) Vati-Krieg 6) The Nazi Meanie vs. the Guy in the Beanie 5) His Grace Meets the Master Race 4) Fun with the Hun 3) Woodstock II 2) Pops 'n' Schnapps 1) A Couple of Really White Guys Sitting Around Talking Top 10 Off-Season Sports on ESPN June 25, 1987 10) Uninflated Basketball 9) Fat Guy Hacky-sack 8) No-Hands Auto Racing 7) Shirts-and-Skins Speed-Typing 6) Amish Rake Fights 5) Miniature Horseshoes 4) Dropping Cows from Planes 3) Padded Suit Lumber Swat 2) Oprah Tipping 1) Dog Hockey Top 10 Offers G.E. Has Made to the Striking Technicians at NBC July 22, 1987 Humor Digest - December 90 Bonus Section #5 10) Immediate Upgrade of Bulbs in Desk Lamps to Next Highest Wattage. 9) Unlimited Air Travel on Delta Airlines. 8) Free Muppet Babies Mug with Purchase of Every Large Commissary Cola. 7) Kitchen Privileges at Michael Landon's Beach House. 6) Sports Crews on Road Trips No Longer Have to "Tuck In" Joe Garagiola. 5) Real Medical Personnel in NBC Infirmary - Not Willard Scott in Nurse's Costume. 4) Free Copy of Robert C. Wright's New Album "Funk Machine". 3) End Bryant Gumbel's So-called "Buddy System". 2) Manila Envelopes Filled with Alf-droppings. 1) No Longer Have to Refer to G.E. Executives as Microcephalic; May Openly Call Them Pinheads. Top 10 New Advertising Slogans for Delta Airlines July 16, 1987 10) Delta: We're Amtrack with Wings. 9) Delta: Join Our Frequent Near-miss Program. 8) Delta: Ask About Our Out-of-court Settlements. 7) Noisy Engines? We'll Turn 'em Off! 6) Delta: Complimentary Champagne in Free-fall. 5) Enjoy the In-flight Movie on the Plane Next to You. 4) Delta: The Kids Will Love Our Inflatable Slides. 3) Delta: You Think It's So Easy, Get Your Own Damn Plane! 2) Delta: Our Pilots are Terminally Ill and Have Nothing to Lose. 1) Delta: We Might Be Landing On Your Street! And 5 more just for the heck of it... 5) Delta: Terrorists are Afraid to Fly with Us. 4) Delta: Bring a Bathing Suit. 3) Delta: So That's What Those Buttons Do! 2) Delta: A Real Man Lands Where He Wants To. 1) Delta: We Never Make the Same Mistake Three Times Top 10 Reasons Sylvester Stallone & Brigitte Nielsen Are Separating July 17, 1987 10) She Never Put the Cap on the Body Oil. 9) She Kept Confusing "Rocky II" and "Rocky III". 8) The Closest He Could Get to Saying Her Name Was "Buh-juh". 7) She Couldn't Get the Hang of Making Nestles Quik. 6) Her Ceaseless Cello Practicing Made It Difficult for Him to Work on His New Translation of Flaubert. 5) Wrestling Pit Bulls Not an Adequate Form of Foreplay. 4) She Got Tired of His Tirades About the "No-talent" Arnold Schwarzenegger. 3) She Saw "Rhinestone". 2) She Got Tired of Explaining How the Paperweight Worked. 1) Fights During Scrabble Games Over Whether "Yo" is Real Word. Peter Holm's Top 10 Grievances Against Joan Collins July 22, 1987 Humor Digest - December 90 Bonus Section #5 10) Waiting Area Outside Bedroom Had Old Magazines 9) She Made Him Empty Makeup Buckets to Earn $20,000 Weekly Allowance 8) Other Pets Have Their Names on Water Dishes 7) Annoyed By Reminiscences About President Van Buren's Sexual Prowess 6) Couldn't Break Her Habit Of Hollering "Next!" 5) Wouldn't Support His Campaign for Presidency of "Weaselly Gigolo Club" 4) Never Invited to Annual "Night of 100 Paperboys" 3) Freak Electrical Storm Caused Bedroom Lights to Go on During Night 2) Somebody Finally Told Him What "Parasite" Means 1) Tired of Passing Motorists Honking and Yelling "I Had Her!" Top 10 Dear Abby Letter Signatures July 23, 1987 10) Bewildered in Baltimore 9) Can't Sit Down in San Pedro 8) Female, Bearded and Happy 7) Bitter-Soon-to-be-Divorced-Former-Swedish-Rock-Star 6) In Prison and Loving It 5) Naked in James Garner's Garage 4) A Cleveland Baseball Team 3) Bryant Gumbel 2) Mr. Pelican Pants 1) 'Whipped in the White House Top 10 Other Things George Schultz is Mad About July 24, 1987 10) Nude Photos of Mrs. Schultz Found in Ollie North's Wallet 9) Afternoon Hearings Force Him to Miss "His Stories" 8) Nobody Writes About His Obsession with Jody Foster 7) No One in Washington Wants to Get a "George Schultz" Haircut 6) Doesn't Get Half the Skirt Kissinger Did 5) His Video is no Longer in Heavy Rotation on MTV 4) "George Schultz Potato Puppets" not Selling Very Well 3) Hogan's Men Always Cutting Through Barbed Wire* 2) Always Gets Barbara Bush's Keys at White House Swap Nights 1) His Secretary Looks More Like Monty Hall * Sorry, that's Sgt. Schultz Top 10 Things Overheard at Billy Joel's Moscow Concert July 29, 1987 10) Concert? I thought this crowd was to buy toilet paper. 9) I would applaud even if I were not ordered to do so! 8) I'm a communist party animal! 7) Our countries may have their differences, but we can agree "Piano Man" really gets on your nerves. 6) There's no chance Yakov Smirnoff will come back, is there? 5) Check it out! Loose potatoes! Loose potatoes! 4) I'll bet they make this into another crummy HBO special. 3) The one who threw the Frisbee . . . shoot him. Humor Digest - December 90 Bonus Section #5 2) His female fans are covering the stage with burlap panties! 1) You see -- they are not all as annoying as Donahue. Top 10 Commercial Casket Models July 30, 1987 10) The Dirt Master 9) Tupper-Tomb 8) Krazy-Kasket from Whammo 7) The Slim Reaper 6) The 19th Hole 5) McCoffin Styrofoam Casket 4) The Comfort-King Velvetliner (endorsed by Paul Anka) 3) Cap'n Crypt 2) The Cardboard Warrior 1) The La-Z-Boy Eterna-Lounger Top 10 Folk Dances Or Mild Nervous Disorders (some repeat from 1986) 10) The Tarantella 9) The Reel 8) The Jitters 7) The Clog-Dance 6) The Screamin' Meemies 5) The Fling 4) The Hula 3) The Willies 2) Just Plain Edgy 1) The Shakes/The Hokey Pokey (tie) Top 10 Worst Jobs in New York City August 4, 1987 10) Peep Show Booth Swabber 9) Subway Courtesy Monitor 8) Projectile Catcher, Base of Empire State Building 7) Derelict Stubble Maintenance Man 6) P.R. Director, Bernhard Goetz's Soul Kitchen 5) De-louser for Broadway Show "Cats" 4) Curator, American Museum of Bodily Fluids 3) Guy with Office Next to Rex Reed 2) Port Authority Singalong Leader 1) Mob Corpse De-bloater Joe Niekro's Top 10 Excuses August 6, 1987 10) The emory board is a new super-grip popsicle stick. 9) I only used it to apply Vaseline to the ball. 8) I needed it to scrape dried wads of chewing tobacco off the bullpen telephone. 7) Delicate double-knit uniforms easily snagged on rough nails. 6) I was using it to make a statue of commissioner Ueberroth. Humor Digest - December 90 Bonus Section #5 5) I used it as a bookmark for my dugout copy of Shirley MacLaine's autobiography. 4) Rules of fair play are for saps and squares. 3) I've been hypnotized by evil dogs. 2) It was all William Casey's idea. 1) I like to give pedicures to ballboys. David Letterman's Top 10 Questions People Ask Me August 6, 1987 10) Did someone cut your hair with a pocket knife? 9) Are you going to do Carnac tonight? 8) If you're really a detective, shouldn't you have some I.D.? 7) What sort of work are you looking for here at CBS? 6) Why would I want to pull your finger? 5) Who told you this was a nude beach? 4) More Champale, my funky friend? 3) Would you like an attorney assigned to you by the court? 2) Who is this? Why do you keep calling? 1) How did you get a show? Top 10 Rejected Donahue Topics August 7, 1987 10) People who keep thinking it's Tuesday 9) Heterosexual men who worship Judy Garland 8) Problems of guys named Don 7) People who have seen Raymond Burr naked 6) Blacks who really get a kick out of sonny Bono 5) Department store Santas who marry their customers 4) People who swear Rex Reed stares in their windows at night 3) Invisible mute people who don't show up on videotape 2) Women who just can't forget Ted Bessel 1) Professional Bowlers who touch themselves Top 10 Unnecessary Surgical Operations August 11, 1987 10) Hernia Implant 9) Saliva Transfusion 8) Decorative Lung Fringe 7) Internal Tanning 6) Carbonation of Spinal Fluid 5) Adding Third Taillight 4) Molding Liver into Shape of Little Scottie Dog 3) Ball-scuffing (A mistake, this should have appeared on another list about Joe Niekro) 2) Permanent Bow-tie 1) Combining Large & Small Intestine into One More Manageable Medium Intestine Top 10 Surprises in the President's Speech August 12, 1987 Humor Digest - December 90 Bonus Section #5 10) Pajama tops didn't match bottoms 9) Unexpected Bob Hope walk-on 8) Smouldering armchair in background cause for concern 7) Couldn't remember 4th & 5th verses of "Wabash Cannonball" 6) Impromptu cornet solo by Howard Baker 5) Obvious plugs for new presidential shampoo & conditioner inappropriate 4) Unannounced 3-minute clip from "La Bamba" 3) Refusal to add caffeine to 7-Up an odd cornerstone for U.S. foreign policy 2) Tearful confession that he killed William Casey with poison blow-dart 1) Hysterical shouts of "We're hurtling toward the Sun!" made poor closing statement Top 10 Least Successful Yankee Stadium Promotions August 13, 1987 10) Shave a player's legs night 9) Pick your own car radio parking lot bonanza 8) Oldtimers' widows vs. Triple-A All-stars 7) Your wife's nude photo on Diamondvision night 6) Anyone can pitch night (only against Cleveland) 5) Underwear swap with grounds crew 4) Yogi Berra makeover night 3) Look in Dave Winfield's pants night 2) A night in the court of Louis XIV 1) Players adjust your cup night Top 10 Things Communists Are No Damn Good At August 18, 1987 10) Surfing 9) Imitating Elvis 8) Laying Rubber in Front of the Dairy Queen 7) Arena Football 6) Stage-diving at Motorhead Concerts 5) Broadcasting Warm Sitcoms Featuring Lovable Black Families 4) Naming Soft Ice Cream Cakes 3) Ball-scuffing 2) Producing a Boxer with as Much Heart as Rocky 1) Guessing Final Jeopardy Top 10 Excuses by the U.S. Basketball Team for Their Loss to Brazil at the Pan American Games August 25, 1987 10) Had really heavy lunches 9) Upset about Valerie Harper leaving "Valerie" show 8) U.S. team often played as many as 2 white guys at once 7) Overcome by mysterious sleepiness after barrage of blowdarts from Brazilian bleachers 6) Disturbed by pregame discovery of Brent Musburger's shrunken head in locker room 5) Unnerved by hundreds of Hitler clones doing wave in stands 4) Constantly threw ball out-of-bounds to stop shrieking of spider Humor Digest - December 90 Bonus Section #5 monkeys 3) That big liar Fred MacMurray didn't come through with the promised Flubber 2) Tired out from night before's mixer with gymnastic sluts 1) Team motto "Go for the silver" not very inspiring Top 10 Things Overheard in a General Electric Research Lab August 26, 1987 10) "Wow! Look at that stuff burn!" 9) "I keep forgetting, which is AC and which is DC?" 8) "Are you crazy? Do you know how much a recall would cost?" 7) "Whoops!" 6) "Watch what happens when I toss these bolts into the turbine." 5) "This is the episode where they almost get off the island." 4) "What we save on the radiation shielding, we can put into advertising. 3) "The new guy develped a new long-lasting, inexpensive filament. Kill him." 2) "The squid is no longer responding to the mind control! AAIIEEEEEE! 1) "Here comes the tour group. Put your pants on." Top 10 Reasons Why TV is Better Than Books August 27, 1987 10) Book readers miss out on K-tel record offers 9) Can't drive and read at the same time 8) No one ever got a paper cut from Hugh Downs 7) Books ask difficult questions but don't give away cars or cruises for right answers 6) Books written by pasty-skinned geeks; TV full of chesty babes 5) "Soul Train" 4) Learning to work TV set solid training for future astronauts 3) TV easier to spell than book 2) No fun to dance in your underwear in front of book about Jane Pauley 1) Ralph Waldo Emerson. The Equalizer. Top 10 Reasons I'm Retiring from Show Business August 28, 1987 10) Tired of Endlessly rehearsing so-called "ad-libs" 9) Want to really get to know my bodyguards 8) New government regulations pay me more to not entertain 7) Thrill has gone out of humiliating underlings 6) grueling 4-hour work week just too much 5) No longer under protection of federal witness relocation program 4) must return to home planet for sacred mating ritual 3) Photos Paul ha sare more incriminating than I first thought 2) Jack Nicklaus asked me to . . . and that's enough for me 1) I saw last night's show The Pope's Top 10 Complaints About His U.S. Tour September 15, 1987 10) Often mistaken in restaurants for Lee Iacocca Humor Digest - December 90 Bonus Section #5 9) Not sure how people got impression he came over to fight Mike Tyson 8) Disappointed to find out there is no real Ponderosa 7) Mark Goodman's hair 6) 7 bucks? For a movie? 5) McDonalds coupons from one city not always honored in another city 4) Hitchikers keep switching stations on Popemobile radio 3) Lukewarm crowd reaction to his 20-minute bass solo 2) Casey Kasem 1) Doctrine of Papal Infallibility no help to him on Final Jeopardy question Top 10 Names for Robert Bork's Beard September 16, 1987 10) The Chin Slinky 9) The Amish Outlaw 8) The See-Through 7) My Very First Beard (from Kenner) 6) The Lunatic Fringe 5) Senor Itchy 4) The Radioactive Goat 3) Salute to C. Everett Koop 2) Gopher Butt 1) The Babe Magnet Top 10 Rejected Provisions of the U.S. Constitution September 17, 1987 10) President may not use army and navy to get back at guy who beat him up in junior high 9) Give vote to dogs who "think they're people" 8) When flag passes everybody has to open eyes as wide as they can and say "Gollee!" 7) Third house of Congress to be filled by really fat guys 6) If president and vice president die suddenly, presidential office shall be filled by People magazine's "Sexiest Man Alive" 5) Cruel and unusual punishment is OK on Andy Rooney 4) The national bird must be served on a bun - never on a stick 3) Each state will have the right to claim they have the hottest-looking babes 2) Damage deposit of $25 required before renting the White House for keg parties 1) The president can change his name as often as he likes Top 10 Questions Asked of Miss America Finalists September 18, 1987 10) Since when is knuckle-cracking considered a talent? 9) If you were shipwrecked on a desert island with Geraldo Rivera, how long would it be before you took your own life? 8) How's it feel to be the only contestant with a fat butt? 7) Aren't I a lot cuter than Bob Barker? 6) Have you ever been on a cruise with Gary Hart? 5) Why are they called celebrity judges when none has had a decent job in Humor Digest - December 90 Bonus Section #5 years? 4) Aren't there any other girls in your state? 3) If you had to earmark one of the other girls for death, which one would it be? 2) Quick -- spell America! 1) Do you really think you have a chance, Mr. Biden? Top 10 Reasons Joe Biden Dropped out of the Presidential Race September 23, 1987 10) To promote his new album "Bad" 9) Plans to spend more time with imaginary coalminer relatives 8) He accidentally delivered Nixon's resignation speech 7) Realized he didn't have a chance against the Gephardt juggernaut 6) His term paper business is really taking off 5) Couldn't pronounce "Ich bin ein Berliner" 4) Finally got tickets for last leg of Dead tour 3) Decided to run for presidency of Hair Club for Men 2) "The New Monkees" are on TV now and a man has just so much time 1) Wants to chase skirts full-time with Gary Hart Top 10 Things Robert Bork Regrets September 24, 1987 10) Ruling against plaintiff in Lovable Homeless Puppies vs. State of Illinois 9) Starting a beard he couldn't finish 8) Challenging Ted Kennedy to a dough-eating contest 7) Bragging to buddies that he'd be tongue-wrestling Sandra Day O'Connor by Christmas 6) Putting Pop Tarts in pocket of condemned man to see what electric chair could do 5) Letting Billy Dee Williams beat him out for that malt liquour endorsement deal 4) Letting Justice Rehnquist talk him into buying half-interest in boxing kangaroo 3) All those long tear-stained letters to Ray Walston 2) "Doing the elephant" at Warren Burger's retirement party 1) Stormy 3-week marriage to Morganna the Kissing Bandit Jessica Hahn's Top 10 Turn-Ons September 25, 1987 10) Guys with their own amusement parks 9) Sipping drugged wine with someone who respects me 8) Making Mom really mad 7) Suits that are at least 30% cotton 6) Men who look like frogs 5) Jokes about Donna Rice 4) Some of the commandments 3) High school graduates who aren't all stuck-up 2) Men with wives who make me look good 1) A single perfect rose and a sack of hush money Humor Digest - December 90 Bonus Section #5 Top 10 Other Things William Casey Said on His Death Bed September 29, 1987 10) "Nice nurse outfit, Woodward." 9) "That fruit cake Mrs. Reagan sent me tasted kinda funny." 8) "They actually tried that Iran thing? I was just kidding!" 7) "Oh boy, only one more piece to go and I complete my Civil War chess set." 6) "Here's another one for you, Sandy Duncan is KGB." 5) "If Michael Jackson calls, hold out for half a million." 4) "C'mon. One last sponge bath." 3) "Damn! Just when arena football was getting good." 2) "If they make a movie, don't let Pee Wee Herman play me." 1) "Remember the Gong Show? I was the unknown comic." Mikhail Gorbachev's Top 10 Excuses for Being Missing September 30, 1987 10) Having cosmetic surgery to make his nose resemble Diana Ross' 9) In a really long line for toilet paper 8) Afraid he might run into Billy Joel 7) Wanted to just suddenly appear in public with really big muscles 6) Sick of being asked what "glasnost" means 5) Finally got hand unstuck from pickle jar 4) Working on ambitious plan to introduce chain of Rusty Jones outlets throughout USSR 3) Bought van; followed Grateful Dead on tour 2) Overseeing joint CIA/KGB plan to eliminate Yakov Smirnoff 1) On a trans-Siberian sex bender with Miss Estonia General Electric's Top 10 Earthquake Tips October 1, 1987 10) To communicate with neighbors, flip porch light on and off 9) Shore up sagging foundations with newly purchased electric stove 8) Destroy Westinghouse products; replace them with G.E. products 7) Use blender to make pitcher of nerve-soothing daiquiris 6) Discourage looting by surrounding house with hundreds of open waffle irons turned on high 5) Switch on yard and pool lights before evacuation 4) Prepare kid for tremors with educational rides in the washing machine 3) Boost morale by stringing up all your Xmas lights and turning them on 2) Entertain family by making crank calls to Sylvania headquarters 1) Use the dream of a 4-way light bulb of the future as incentive to stay alive Top 10 Current Goals of the New York Mets October 2, 1987 10) Keep uniforms as clean as possible for the remainder of the season 9) Trace genealogy of name "Mookie" 8) Finally learn words to "The Star-Spangled Banner" 7) Think up rude new nickname for Whitey Herzog 6) Make whiny late-night calls to commissioner Ueberroth claiming Humor Digest - December 90 Bonus Section #5 Cardinals are "cheaters" 5) Get to know -- get to really know -- stadium organist 4) Get green card renewed (Rafael Santana) 3) Sleep in (Darryl Strawberry) 2) Play last game of season buck naked 1) Sign up for area NFL teams Top 10 Unsuccessful Mall Shops October 6, 1987 10) Jiffy-Spay 9) Kentucky-Fried Pinworm 8) One-Hour Autopsy-Mat 7) Fatso Riley's Airtight Hellhole 6) The Prescription Drug Swap Barn 5) Big-and-Tall-Men's Lacy Lingerie 4) Dr. Don's Plasma Pantry 3) Mookie's Cookie Nook 2) Giant Radioactive Red Lobster 1) Grandma's Old-Fashioned Smallpox-Infested Army Blankets Top 10 Children's Books Not Recommended by the National Library Association October 7, 1987 10) Curious George and the High-Voltagge Fence 9) The Boy Who Died from Eating all his Vegetables 8) Legends of Scab Football 7) Teddy: the Elf with a Detached Retina 6) Tommy Tune: Boy Choreographer 5) Joe Garagiola Re-tells Favorite Fairy Tails but Can't Remember the Endings to all of Them 4) Ed Beckley's Start a Real Estate Empire with Change from Mom's Pocket 3) Things Rich Kids Have That You Never Will 2) Let's Draw Betty and Veronica with Their Clothes Off 1) The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead Top 10 Slogans of the Scab NFL October 8, 1987 10) We're not football players . . . but we play them on TV! 9) Come for the refund . . . stay for the game! 8) Bring a helmet and join the fun! 7) Get spit on by Lawrence Taylor! 6) It still beats arena football! 5) Out-of-condition athletes guarantee plenty of personal injuries! 4) We have a fine selection of magazines! 3) Look! It's my old gym teacher! 2) Enough beer and you won't know the difference! 1) It's scab-tastic! Top 10 Disadvantages of Winning a Nobel Prize October 13, 1987 Humor Digest - December 90 Bonus Section #5 10) You have to get kissed by herring-breathed King Olaf 9) Automatically disqualifies you from being a contestant on "Jeopardy" 8) Dangling medallion could get caught in open blender 7) More junk mail from fly-by-night award-polishing services 6) Distant relatives pestering you for free advice on particle physics 5) Have to get in embarassing kickline at end of ceremony with other winners 4) Friends always borrowing medal for 10% discount at participating Red Lobsters 3) Run-ins with gangs of Pulitzer prize-winners usually end up in a brawl 2) Sarcasm of postman when he says, "Here's your copy of Big Juggs magazine, Mr. Nobel Laureate." 1) Don't see a dime from the Mattel Nobel Prize action figures Top 10 Ways to Make George Bush More Exciting October 14, 1987 10) Kill a man with his bare hands on network TV 9) Divorce Barabara; marry 13-year-old cousin 8) Stick tongue inn Sam Donaldson's ear during press conference 7) Disappear into Alaskan wilderness with Rosanna Arquette; return with necklace made of bear teeth 6) Change campaign slogan from "Bush in '88" to "Party with the Bushmeister" 5) Answer questions on "Meet the Press" with "I'm too drunk to remember." 4) Bend standing microphone into pretzel-shape; give to cub reporter as souvenir 3) Nickname him George "The Sexecutioner" Bush 2) Start hanging with Earth, Wind & Fire 1) Shorter speeches, tighter pants Top 10 Iranian Pick-Up Lines October 28, 1987 10) "You'd look great under a couple more veils." 9) "Truly Allah made you in the image of Heather Locklear." 8) "I hate these rallies against the American jackals -- they're just meat markets." 7) "You'd look beautiful in the glow of that burning tanker." 6) "How about you and me hijack a plane to Cancun?" 5) "We could go to my place -- if you don't mind a few hostages." 4) "So the streets of the world will flow red with the blood of non-believers. By the way -- nice earrings." 3) "I can't believe they're making another Police Academy movie." 2) "Which airport do you think has the loosest security?" 1) "I don't see it myself -- but people tell me I look like the Ayatollah." Top 10 Scariest Sentences October 30, 1987 10) Here's your bunkmate for the flight to Jupiter -- Miss Carol Channing. 9) You've been traded to the Indians. Humor Digest - December 90 Bonus Section #5 8) All rise for Chief Justice Norm Crosby. 7) They're tiny, superintelligent, with poisonous stingers and I saw them come in here. 6) I thought you sold our stocks last month. 5) Mr. Gotti wants us to teach you some manners. 4) How does it feel to be the new Mrs. Jerry Lee Lewis? 3) Looks like we're going to be cellmates -- pretty boy. 2) Bob Woodward is here to see you. 1) This nude beach is fun. Say, isn't that Tommy Lasorda? Top 10 New York City Pedestrian Tips November 4, 1987 10) The city does not employ so-called "wallet inspectors." 9) Remember: regular hot dogs do not have fingernail. 8) Yelling at cabdrivers in English wastes your time and theirs. 7) John Gotti always has the right of way. 6) Avoid paperwork for your next of kin by keeping dental records on you. 5) Don't lick food from a stranger's beard. 4) It's bad manners to lie down inside someone else's chalk body outline. 3) Cabs driving on the sidewalk are not permitted to pick up passengers. 2) If you catch an exploding manhole cover, you can keep it. 1) If it doesn't smell like chili, it probably isn't. Princess Diana's Top 10 Complaints About Prince Charles November 5, 1987 10) Repulsive orange teeth after scarfing down entire bag of Cheetos. 9) Threatens me with beheading for leaving nylons hanging in bathroom. 8) Giggles like a schoolgirl around Buckingham Palace guards. 7) That phony British accent. 6) Never puts the cap back on the mango love butter. 5) Unfavorably compares cooking of my chef to cooking of his mother's chef. 4) Laughs like a hyena at reruns of "The Jeffersons." 3) Always calls Pizza Hut before we're decided on topping we want. 2) Constantly slips and calls me "Oprah." 1) Wears "Home of Big Ben" boxer shorts. Top 10 Other Things Douglas Ginsberg Has Admitted Doing November 6, 1987 10) Sneaked into other movies at the cineplex. 9) Cut through service station to avoid a red light. 8) Rebroadcast accounts and descriptions of game without the express written consent of Major League baseball. 7) Actually bought the single of "Convoy." 6) Lied to pals about being member of the "Mile-High Club." 5) Wrestled in the South under name "The Junkyard Justice." 4) Used proper noun while playing home version of "Password." 3) Beat a drifter to death with a tube sock full of wood screws. 2) Used Prell for regular hair even though his hair is oily. 1) Skipped ahead to ending of constitution without reading whole thing. Humor Digest - December 90 Bonus Section #5 Top 10 Least Visited New York City Tourist Attractions November 17, 1987 10) The Museum of Subway Odors 9) Cat Meat Cook-Off 8) The Abandoned Auto Show 7) Amish Peep Shows 6) Chalk Body Outline Walking Tour 5) Knicks Games 4) Psychotic Loner Renaissance Fair 3) Mob Informant Aqua-Show 2) Mookie-Land 1) The Frozen Spit Rink Top 10 Reasons Why Anthony Kennedy Will Be Confirmed to the Supreme Court November 18, 1987 10) Was given all the answers to committee questions by Bork and Ginsburg. 9) Has come out strongly against Liza Minnelli. 8) Promised everyone on committee dinner on him at nearest Red Lobster restaurant. 7) Pretty handy with his mitts. 6) He was great in all those "Airport" movies. 5) Computer favorite following talent competition. 4) Already played a judge on episode of "Starsky & Hutch." 3) Parents have a ski house and they're hardly ever there. 2) Sold interest in chain of head shops a long time ago. 1) Looks great in black. Top 10 Things Overheard in Times Square November 19, 1987 10) "Quick! Call 911!" 9) "I'll take a pack of gum and a ninja spike, please." 8) "I'm pretty sure there's only one `L' in Rolex." 7) "Valet parking at the Port Authority? What a surprise! Here are my keys." 6) "Gibt mir die Polizei! Mach schnell!" 5) "Only one person per booth Mr. Chancellor!" 4) "You're right! It does smell a little like root beer!" 3) "I refuse to get on the bus to Ohio until we find the rest of Mrs. Gardner." 2) "Yikes! Those hollow points really hurt!" 1) "It's getting so you can't tell the transvestites from the transsexuals." Top 10 Ways to Reduce the Federal Deficit November 20, 1987 10) Eliminate throw pillows from the cockpit of the B-1 bomber 9) Make national park rangers provide their own hats 8) Start charging for tours of U. S. Embassy in Moscow Humor Digest - December 90 Bonus Section #5 7) Step up taxation of rich - except for strategically important talk show hosts 6) Sell ad space on president's forehead during State of the Union Address 5) Use tremendous military strength to "shake down" Norway for a couple of grand 4) Charge a buck to take a poke at a condemned criminal 3) Print up a single jillion-dollar bill; use it to buy candy bar; pocket the change 2) Don't send so many cakes to the Ayatollah 1) Let Ed Meese take a billion dollars to Vegas and try out his blackjack system Gorbachev's Top 10 Happiest Memories of America December 11, 1987 10) Stocking up on toilet paper 9) Solving "Wheel of Fortune" puzzle before contestants 8) Crashing limo into Fotomat and pleading diplomatic immunity 7) Getting a great deal on that Rolex bought on the street 6) Not wearing underwear during treaty signing 5) Shouting out punch lines to Yakov Smirnoff's act 4) Looking up old skirt-chasing buddies from the Marine Corps. 3) Hearing own voice on the Home Shopping Network 2) Just getting away from the kids, Kremlin, the whole ball of wax 1) Spur-of-the-moment drive to Tijuana with Chuck Connors Gary Hart's Top 10 Christmas Wishes December 15, 1987 10) Newspapers latch onto photos of Michael Dukakis and bearded lady. 9) Jesse Jackson suddenly loses his ability to rhyme. 8) People start referring to sleazy womanizing as "Kennedyesque." 7) George Bush gets irresistible urge to fondle Jean Kirkpatrick at press conference. 6) Complete set of yearbooks from the Barbizon School of Modeling. 5) To be played by Lorenzo Lamas in Donna Rice's made-for-TV movie. 4) Miss September consents to be his running mate. 3) Snow for a white Christmas. 2) So much snow that his secretary can't get her car out of the driveway and has to spend the night. 1) The Landers sisters and a case of malt liquor. Top 10 Least-Known Norman Rockwell Paintings December 21, 1987 10) "A Boy's First Manicure" 9) "The Old Hobo's Infected Foot" 8) "The Circus Geek and the Cub Scout" 7) "Caught Touching Himself" 6) "Sniper in the Mall" 5) "Sweetheart of the Cell-Block" 4) "Christmas at the Hair Club for Men" 3) "Andrew Wyeth Nails Helga" Humor Digest - December 90 Bonus Section #5 2) "Bad Clams" 1) "Turn Your Head and Cough" Top 10 Elf Pick-Up Lines December 22, 1987 10) "I'm down here." 9) "Just because I've got bells on my shoes doesn't mean I'm a sissy." 8) "I was once a lawn ornament for Jon Bon Jovi." 7) "I can get you off the naughty list." 6) "I have certain needs that can't be satisfied by working on toys." 5) "I'm a magical being. Take off your bra." 4) "No, no. I don't bake cookies. You're thinking of those dorks over at Keebler." 3) "I get a thimbleful of tequila in me and I turn into a wild man." 2) "You'd look great in a Raggedy Ann wig." 1) "I can eat my weight in cocktail wieners." Top 10 Way Circus People Celebrate Christmas December 23, 1987 10) Geek says grace; bites head off turkey 9) Clowns dress like wise men and pile into tiny car 8) Bust into lost and found; try on hats 7) Warm slices of bologna on boiler of steam calliope 6) Get elephants to stomp open brazil nuts 5) Get drunk and take a swing at the ringmaster 4) Bake a pan of gingerbread pinheads 3) Put on Andy Williams records; have midgets waltz with monkeys 2) Tell really mean insulting jokes about Democratic presidential candidates 1) Walk down to the highway; throw bottles at police cars -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Humor Digest - December 90